Bowl Orgy Running Diary

With the college football season wrapping up and bowl season in full swing I figured I'd write something about the bowl games. As a Pac-10/Cal fan I'm extremely excited about the Rose Bowl, but I'm trying to make it a point to shut my life down and melt into my couch for all of the bigger New Year's weekend bowl games. I was excited for the San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl (Yes, that is actually the name, topped only by the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl) but I didn't feel the need to damage my internal organs for Cal's 37-27 loss as Kevin Riley's "mastery" of our offense does enough on its own.

Side note : I'm going to avoid using the sponsors names since I think college football is turning into a shameless cash grab, the exception being bowls that only have a sponsor name (Outback, Capital One, etc.), and as much as I love Beef 'O'Brady's I'm not going to give them props for presenting the St. Petersburg Bowl.

Starting on December 29th and running through January 2nd I had 20 games to watch, all brilliantly scheduled so they don't overlap, and I planned to have both of my TV's (placed side by side) and computer (Dear Lord, thank you for ESPN360) fired up and eating electricity at a frightening rate. I'm going to limit this to the January 1st-2nd games, otherwise this diary would be 20,000 words. So starting at 8am on saturday I hunkered down on my couch and started with the Outback Bowl (Damn, I should have had a bloomin' onion on hand), and the orgy unfolded...

January 1st
Outback Bowl : Northwestern - Auburn (8am)
813 - Northwestern's heaviest back is 200?! That can't possibly be a good sign.
817 - Commentator thinks New Year = Ok to go for a 4th & 1 on the 31 down 7-0. I don't think so.
827 - Auburn's McFadden has a 100 yard TAINT (TD After INT), I can hear the air coming out of Northwestern.
836 - Painful sponsor interview with Tim McGraw, its going to be a long day.
839 - Commentator just said if Cincy beats Florida it would be the greatest upset ever. Apparently this is his first year of watching NCAA football, my apologies to Michigan fans.
906 - Quindarius?! This guy's name is Quindarius.
1009 - AWESOME one-handed INT by Northwestern, finally they show some life.
1014 - Kafka is now suffering a full media jinx, as I've been hearing about how he is the Big 10's best QB, Auburn is eating him alive.
1038 - Northwestern scores 14 straight, ties game 21-21, Iowa State fans are not shocked.
1134 - Auburn blows another big lead (15) in about 2 minutes, including a 2-point conversion, Iowa State fans are nodding right now.
1204 - Auburn thinks they have won twice, but give Northwestern a second chance with a running into the kicker penalty.
1206 - Northwestern out-chokes Auburn with a stupid fake FG attempt down 3 in OT. Great call.

Gator Bowl : Florida State - West Virginia (10am)
1030 - Awesome! I'm loving that both teams are wearing their home uniforms.
1031 - Bowden looks shockingly old, maybe its the stress of being a coaching legend.

Something something something zone blitz

1101 - FG miss followed by wide right/left montage. Like we really needed to celebrate Bowden's last game with those memories.
1104 - Gary Danielson uses a Goldilocks/Porridge analogy, Lundquist seems impressed.
1117 - Noel Devine is single-handedly killing Florida State, and he can bench 400!
1259 - Bill Stewart reminds me of someone, but I can't figure out who...
107 - 4th & 13 on FSU's 33, two score game, spread-option offense with their backup QB in the game... this sounds like a great opportunity for WVU to go for it!
116 - West Virginia's players look like one giant frown with 2:42 left in the game, a good sign for a Mountaineer comeback.

Capital One Bowl : Penn State - LSU (10am)
1110 - Apparently LSU is without their top two HB, and Jordan Jefferson is a headcase. Advantage : Penn St.
1114 - Hands down, best maintained field today.
1123 - Game has barely started and the field looks like its been plowed under for seeding. I'm secretly hoping the halftime show is Erin Andrews mud wrestling. Ok, I'm actually openly praying for it.
1127 - This is great, I think the field leads the game in tackles.
1202 - Sadly, Erin did not hit the mud.
1249 - LSU is finally showing some signs of life, game leaves "Blame It On The Field" territory.
130 - Does LSU know when the clock hits 0:00 the game is over? How do they pull this off twice in one year?

Rose Bowl : Oregon - Ohio State (130pm)
138 - Battle of the Worst & Best uniforms, sadly I'm rooting for the worst.
139 - I'm not as upset as I could be. Oregon goes with their horrible green jersey with "carbon" numbers, but at least their helmet and pants (white) match.
139 - Blount is playing?! Have we forgotten the sucker punch incident so quickly?
157 - Unbelievably pretentious "Rose" intro, just what we all needed.
233 - I think we have an heir to Tebow's media love throne; Terrelle Pryor.
257 - Pryor is killing his media love, three bad decisions in a row.
329 - I'm shocked, this is turning out to be a really good game. Oh no, I may have just reverse jinxed it.
448 - Ok Kirk, we get it. Blount = power, James = speed.
502 - Kirk drops to his knees for Pryor, why am I not shocked?
508 - A little over 5 minutes to go and Oregon has blown it. Way to go Pac-10, we suck.
518 - Brent joins Kirk on his knees. Pryor has more yards than Oregon, he is just so amazing.

Sugar Bowl : Florida - Cincinnati (530pm)
500 - Game starts in 30 minutes, start the Tebow farewell tour!
521 - FOX divulges that Tebow admits disappointment in not playing for National Title, because that was a huge secret.
540 - President David Palmer is doing the coin flip! My hatred for sponsors is briefly subdued.
545 - I was afraid Florida would come out in their hideous Pro Combat uniforms, but they are going with the classic blue jersey and white pants. Cincy is wearing an all white uniform, including helmet, with a helmet stripe drawn on with a sharpie.
606 - HOLY SHIT! Why does FOX freeze frame a replay of Demps twisting the hell out of his arm?!
614 - Tebow's eyeblack; Ephesians 2:8-10. I'm sure we will see a feature on this at the half, and on live Tebow Cam (I'm not making that up, they really had it). Shouldn't he just jump straight to broadcasting instead of the NFL? Like FOX wouldn't hire him?
709 - Cincy looks like a dead program walking down 30-3 before the half and their coach leaving for Notre Dame.
753 - 1000th time they analyze Tebow's shitty throwing motion, but he is a great guy!
817 - Cincy is DOA. 43-10 with no signs of life.
918 - Big East takes a 51-24 gut punch, so much for the whole greatest upset ever thing.

January 2nd
International Bowl : USF - Northern Illinois (9am)
900 - I am really going to watch this game, no really. Stop laughing, I am. Seriously.
902 - Nothing quite like American college football in a Canadian baseball park. It should have a higher attendance than a Blue Jays game, right?
953 - Major downside of ESPN360; same four ads get shown 100,000 times.
959 - This game is amazing, how often do you get to see a Madden-esque 40 yard sack?
1104 - I am slowly boring to death here, as unbelievable as that sounds with a 6-3 score.
1114 - Yawn... hey a TD!
1124 - Oh, I get it. This game is just two shitty offenses fumbling around. I'm glad I got up to watch it.
1134 - Whoa, another TD. Looks like USF got their heads out of their asses first.

Cotton Bowl : Oklahoma State - Ole Miss (11am)
1105 - Two teams that completely collapsed under pre-season expectations, awesome.
1106 - YES! YES! Fuck YES! Daryl Johnston and Pat Summerall are calling this game, I think I just messed my pants.
1124 - AT&T must be a sponsor, the 15 yard wide giant orange AT&T ads on the field should be bigger. I almost missed them.
1200 - Jevan Snead just saw his life flash before his eyes, as if getting picked wasn't bad enough.
1209 - Ok, McCluster is fast. 86 yards in about two seconds.
1233 - So the game, field, and first down line are being brought to us by AT&T? Are they sponsoring this game or something?
1239 - Zac Robinson is trying the Tebow eyeblack look, too bad he isn't trying the lead-your-team-to-victory thing.
111 - So we have a bunch of INTs, fumbles, Snead getting his bell rung, a goal line stand at the 1 yard line, and now a FG off the post... this is going to be a long second half.
132 - This entry brought to you by AT&T.
139 - Really? Back-to-back reviews of the same play?
142 - John Travolta and Jonathan Rhys Meyers as terrorist stopping action heroes? Horrible.
144 - Yet another failed attempt from the 1. Awesome.
148 - The phrase "This is (insert player name)" needs to go away.
205 - Is this a joke? Ole Miss inside the 5, penalty, sack, sack? Can someone score?
206 - Anyone who took the over in this game is pissed.
231 - Penalty for "calling attention to oneself", followed by Moose praising the call.
239 - Holy hell, the 104th turnover.
246 - Fitting, a INT ends the game, its 12th total turnover.

Papajohns.com Bowl : Connecticut - South Carolina (11am)
1100 - Papajohns.com? Why not just Papa Johns? Are you going to tell me Papa John's website gets a bowl, but uber-wealthy Google doesn't have one yet? Maybe we will have a FreeCreditReport.com bowl and those guys from the ad will be the halftime show. Before you blow that off I'm sure people said the same thing about Beef 'O' Grady's and look where they are now, St. Petersburg.
1105 - I'm expecting UConn to win this, the death of Jasper Howard has been motivation for them all season.
1125 - I was about to dog this game but a CRAZY one-handed TD catch just changed my mind.
1218 - After all that excitement this game is trying to be more tepid than the International Bowl. At least both teams have a guy with Predator dreads.
140 - I can't tell if South Carolina sucks, or if they never showed up, maybe both.
602 - Just found out that Spurrier publicly apologized for sucking. I forgive you Steve.

Liberty Bowl : Arkansas - East Carolina (230pm)
241 - A turnover already? Not another Cotton Bowl...
311 - Cotton Bowl-itis is spreading; missed FG, sacks all over, semi-blocked punts.
350 - Arkansas needs to rethink their uniforms, nameplates for names longer than eight letters look like they were ironed on in the lockeroom before the game.
410 - I'm worried, of the four games played so far the losing teams have combined for a whopping 17 points.
420 - How the mighty have fallen, Eddie Money is lip-synching the halftime show.
439 - I was thinking, I haven't seen a TAINT since the Cotton Bowl, feels like forever.
544 - Cotton Bowl 2.0! FG off the post, maybe this game will go into an OT better than the Northwestern-Auburn game.
555 - I always wanted to see a game full of wasted opportunities and missed FG attempts.
557 - WTF?! An eCoin toss, I guess people just can't wait the extra two seconds to hear the result from the officials.
601 - Yet another missed FG!
606 - Finally, someone makes a FG. I thought this would never end.

Alamo Bowl : Texas Tech - Michigan State (6pm)
605 - Game hasn't even started and I'm already tired of the Mike Leach storyline. At least Texas Tech will score some points, right?
639 - Things are looking up. A pass heavy team vs. a horrible pass defense, and a running team vs. a team with almost no defense. We already have three TDs and over three quarters left to play.
641 - Holy shit! Let the Leach thing go, focus on the game.
734 - 1) I'm sick of missed and blocked FGs today. 2) The Red Raiders' gun fingers thing annoys the hell out of me.
743 - Yes, they are still harping about the Leach firing. They keep showing graphics with damning evidence that he was fired for a good reason, and then cut away to "I Love Leach" signs in the crowd.
820 - This game is getting good, I was afraid Tech would blow out the Spartans, but a TD just gave them a 21-20 lead.
858 - Some of Michigan States passes are making Texas Tech look like the lesser passing team, plus the Spartans are without 14 players including their best receivers.
1003 - Disappointing for Spartan fans, but Tech hits the gas and puts this one away with Taylor Potts on the sidelines.

Well that does it for the orgy. I think my liver is filing a restraining order, but it gets Sunday off before Monday's much anticipated We-Were-Scared-Of-A-Utah/Alabama-Debacle-Again Bowl most are calling the Fiesta Bowl. This is will finally decide the debate about which team that doesn't deserve to be in the National Title game can keep complaining that it should be.

FOX News Optimator : Federer Has Little Time Left To Be Hated

The tail end of 2009 has been interesting to say the least. Tiger Woods has managed to destroy his public image and send at least one sponsor (Accenture) running for the hills, and the sad thing is it could get worse if his name gets dropped in an investigation. I'm really hoping Tiger doesn't knock off Barry Bonds as the asterisk athlete of the century, but I'm sure Barry wouldn't mind having someone take his place.

I was watching late night TV and the 11 o'clock news opened with a story about Tiger, and being completely sick and tired of having him shoved in my face I was about to change the channel, and they showed a brief clip of an older Gillette ad. The ad featured Tiger Woods, Theirry Henry (later replaced by Derek Jeter), and Roger Federer... and that is when it hit me. Federer doesn't have much time left in 2009 to be hated!

You need more than a razor to lose the 'stache Theirry

First Henry donned the moustache and turned all of Ireland, and FIFA disciplinary board, against him. Not to be outdone, Tiger Woods' private life has exploded all over the tabloids to topple reigning gossip royalty Jon & Kate Goslin, and turn basically everyone against him. The fact Woods completely mishandled the fallout just made it worse, its almost as though he drew the moustache on himself. This leaves Federer in a tough position, how does he top them? Is this an inside bet between the three? Is it a Gillette conspiracy to drive razor sales?

I've been thinking about what he could do to top Tiger, and its nearly impossible with a little over two weeks left. My first idea was to hit a prominent political figure in the face with a statue, but someone beat him to it.* The bar is so high, even if it came out that he was juicing for every one of his titles I don't think it would get as much press as Woods' ill fated trip down his driveway. My next thought would be his admission that his family was rich with Nazi gold, but that would be too obvious... or so the Germans would have us believe. I think the solution is that Roger sneak into a White House event, take his picture with famous politicians, make a mockery of the Secret Service, and punch Obama in the face for stealing our freedom by trying to provide health care options. That should do it.

*If you are wondering what Silvio is doing in a Sports Optimator article, he headed AC Milan for over 18 years. Plus, he could probably tell Tiger a few things about sex scandals and being an upstanding citizen.

FOX News Optimator : Heisman Voters, What Are You Smoking?

I need to be upfront about something before I move on. As a fan I couldn't be happier that a Stanfurd player AND Colt McCoy didn't win the Heisman. As a rational human being, I am completely and utterly confused.

First of all, it was somewhat clear that Colt McCoy was out of the running for the Heisman after he wet the bed against Nebraska. McCoy and Texas were literally one second away from out-choking Nebraska in the Big 12 Championship, and Colt did little if nothing to lift his team to victory. All season the liberal east coast media has been stuffing McCoy down our throats along with Tim Tebow as the "obvious" Heisman favorite. Apparently feasting on one of the most overrated conferences in the NCAA, where nobody but Texas has anything resembling a defense, is the biggest factor int he Heisman vote. Luckily the east coast bias failed this year, and the talking heads didn't get their man... or so it seems.

The real injustice lies in the snub of the real obvious pick; Toby Gerhart. Gerhart lead all FBS teams in rushing (1736 yards) and TD's (26) with one less game than Ingram. To pour more salt on the wound, Gerhart won the Doak Walker Award for the best HB of 2009. This would make Gerhart an obvious pick over Mark Ingram, since Ingram is also a HB. How another HB could be better is beyond me, but I'm not a part of the liberal conspiracy holding down the west coast.

The next issue is VORP (Value Over Replacement Player), which is used in baseball but I'm going to use it in a non-statistical analysis. If Ingram were not at Alabama, would they still be 13-0 and playing for the National Title? Now consider Stanfurd, without Gerhart would the still be 8-4? Do they beat Oregon, USC, or an overrated Notre dame without their only offensive weapon? Do they even go 4-8? I think there is no doubt a Stanfurd team without Gerhart is a completely different squad, but the Heisman voters didn't seem to take this into consideration.

You know what, maybe it was this photo that swayed the voters.

The final problem, and deathblow to Gerhart's chances, is the conspiracy to televise Heisman "favorites" and relegate challengers to regional television. The media has fallen all over itself this season to make sure people get to see Tebow, McCoy, and Ingram as much as possible. Stanfurd is a smaller program, lacking tradition and class, so the media chose to ignore Gerhart accept for instances when they couldn't ignore his accomplishments. This is made obvious by how close the final vote was, as if Gerhart can go home feeling happy he was a loser by the smallest margin in history, and things might have turned out differently if they hadn't forced Alabama/Florida/Texas games on regions that are key to the vote.

I doubt 2010 will be much different, but with Kellen Moore, LaMichael James, and Jacquizz Rodgers out there maybe the west coast will have a chance next year. Sadly Mark Ingram is a sophmore, so much like Tim Tebow we will no doubt be treated to 1-2 more years of being beaten over the head by his "obvious" dominance.

Tiger Woods Joke of the Day

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?  Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.   

Tiger Woods' Driveway Accuracy: Poor At Best

The liberal media is at it again, and this week the target for character assassination is the beloved Tiger Woods. This is a classic case of the media making a huge deal out of nothing and raking Tiger Woods' reputation over the coals to drive up ratings and sales. So far the only thing we know for sure is that Woods backed out of his driveway at 230am (apparently a crime) hit a fire hydrant and crashed into a tree (also apparently a crime) and his wife smashed a window of his car with a golf club (the only funny thing about this story, seems like that would be a huge faux pas in that family) to help him out of the car. The whole incident seemed to flip quickly from concern to conspiracy once he was released from the hospital and his injuries weren't as serious as previously thought. The conspiracy is now in full swing as the Godless liberal tabloids (TMZ, etc.) are going out of their way to create speculation as to the cause of Tiger's errant trip down his driveway. Tiger Woods should be left alone. What he does in the semi-privacy of his own driveway is his business, and it should stay that way. The way the media has been executing their smear campaign you would think he showed up to a tournament with heroine needles hanging out of his arm and crack whores in tow.

The Sports Optimator Salutes FOX News

The Sports Optimator is working hard to cover the world of sports and sports related stories, and like most writers we are heavily influenced by the best. We thought about the best ways to instill our opinions with integrity and report only the most reputable stories, and it didn't take long for us to come up with some names synonymous with great journalism; Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, etc. With this in mind we are proud to announce that the month of December is going to be FOX News month at the Sports Optimator. All month we are going to report from the world of sports in a style that really speaks to the heart of America, so start thumping your bibles and draw a Hitler moustache on Obama with a sharpie!

We know its not Obama, but I think you get the point (especially if you are an Irish fan).

Nike Craps On Rivalry Week, Extends Dominance Over Good Design

Today is a dark day for college football, no not because its Tim Tebow's last home game. Nike decided to ruin the nation's retinas with an display of bad design and tasteless marketing that makes me wonder if Satan is running the show. I have seen grumblings about an experimental Nike design featuring a spirograph-like design element floating around the web, but all accounts of the design seemed to make it seem like it had (thankfully) been shelved. Looks like Nike had us all fooled as Florida took the field in the above mentioned spirograph design during its game against Florida State, and successfully looked like the aborted love child of their retro uniforms. This has of course come with official jargon to try and rationalize the new Pro Combat design, but it doesn't take a genius to see these are just flat out ugly. The sad thing is that things could have been even worse! Perhaps some sanity caused Florida State to hold back on their own uniform disasters which are also part of the Pro Combat apocalypse.

Not content with ruining just one game, another set of bewildering designs were unvieled during the Miami-USF and Virginia Tech-Virginia games. These uniforms have multi-colored numbers, and in the case of Virginia Tech show us why gradients aren't seen very often.

You might be shaking your head right now, but wait, there is more! The Big 12 North is probably tired of getting passed over by the media, so Missouri has gone to great lengths to make you forget all about Florida by coming out in the ugliest Pro Combat uniform set and sticking it to common sense. I nearly confused them with Army's camo set, but these are much worse.

Shame on Nike, Miami, Florida, Virginia Tech, and Mizzou for turning a game into a marketing spectacle. My biggest fear is that the Oregon crew will see this as a challenge to their ugliest-uniform title and try to top it next year, and Cal (Nike uniforms) will come out with some version of the Pro Combat set that will force me gouge my eyes out.

Correction: God really, really hates Arsenal

Anyone that harbored any hope of enjoying watching the Arsenal hoist a trophy this year must now place all their faith in the Ewing Theory, a glimmer of hope that might've applied last year when it seemed that Van Persie often featured prominently in Arsenal's losses in the wrong way, with errant shots on gaping goals, but this year he has deserved all the praise coming his way, and I fear the season has been lost.  We shall see.  Of course there is always the transfer window, and Gooners are no doubt re-writing their wish lists as I write this. 

Don't worry, Ireland, God hates Arsenal, too.

How do I know this?  Because, in rapid succession, Van Persie; the collective Arsenal; and Kieran Gibbs; were all smitten by the vengeful hand of God that took the form of Giorgio Chiellini, Darren Bent, and Eliaquim Mangala (and, by extension, Konrad Plautz).  This all took place in the span of a fortnight, which must be some sort of number that displeases God.

First off was the inexplicable injury suffered by Van Persie in a friendly against Italy.



Why in God's name do they even play these things?  Because as often as people cite ManU's depth as one of the main reasons for their consistent dominance (i.e., footballers get hurt... a LOT), you'd think the powers that be would want to limit the number of meaningless opportunities for someone to rush off to the Balkans for some horse placenta (as an aside, as weird as this seems at first glance, it's quite brilliant in theory, since placentas are full of regenerative cells - don't believe me? - just ask Andrea Sooch!).  In all seriousness, that was a really stupid and reckless tackle, as Chiellini basically hacked down on Van Persie's ankle, and I'm surprised Van Persie wasn't as indignant as Kuyt afterwards.

Then, just to prove how important Van Persie is to Arsenal's attack, God allowed Darren Bent to do them in, in the first game of the season that Arsenal's opposition has not conceded.  This wasn't Boring, Boring Arsenal, but it was the sort of defeat that Gooners have come to expect over the last few years - the 1-0 defeat on the road to a team far inferior on paper, although in this case, the feeling of dread which grew as the game drew nearer was more logical, based on Sunderland's efforts this season against Liverpool and ManU.

Perhaps with the Old Testament God in mind, Emmanuel Eboue showed up to the pitch last night wearing his Blessed Be God Forever t-shirt.  Despite this and Eboue's penchant for bad dives, bad tackles, and bad passing not being on display, God remained displeased with the Arsenal, and he spoke through Konrad Plautz, who, in his piety, allowed Eliaquim Mangala to remain on the pitch even after his second dangerous tackle of the day (on the excellent-as-always Alex Song).  This oversight led to this fateful encounter between Mangala and Gibbs:

                                Photograph: Nick Potts/PA


Notice how the ball is nowhere near Gibbs' foot when Mangala comes charging into the area like a 15-year-old into his girlfriend's pants.  Stupid.  Almost as stupid as Wenger having anyone from the first-team out there at all while this almost meaningless game's embers faded.  So, after Gibbs had stepped in so admirably to replace the ever-relevant Clichy, perhaps even outplaying his senior, God's retribution was swift and cruel as He felled the left-back with a broken metatarsal for three months.

It should be noted that Gallas and Arshavin were excruciated during the tie against Liege, as well, as God guided Arshavin's skull into Gallas' eye-socket (and, seconds later, a Vermaelen laser right into Arshavin's unwitting and already-bloodied head), and Gallas may indeed miss Sunday's crucial match against Chelsea, leaving Arsenal's defense, no longer whole, horribly exposed.

All this misery should come as no surprise, really, as Divinity's unforgiving treatment of the Arsenal and its fans started long ago, really, when its proud, noble, and beautiful heraldic crest

 was laid to waste, utterly, by the current abomination that I am loathe to sully my pages with.

When this happened, many Gooners probably supplicated on bended knee, crying out "Why, God, why?!," and, indeed, I would pray to God in genuflection that He would smite this unholy thing from before mine eyes, if I thought He would hear me. 

I know better, though, so instead, for today's benediction, let us listen to the Psalm of St. Victor, who, in the midst of his martyrdom, proclaimed that "the Lord was a rotten Bastard."  Amen.

Hating The French Just Got Easier

He is no Maradona, unless he has a post-game rant worthy of a two-month ban, but Thierry Henry did himself and the French no favors today. It wasn't as blatant as the Hand Of God, but it was certainly disappointing. Henry's handball and assist eliminated Ireland with a 2-1 aggregate win, and punches France's ticket to South Africa.

If you haven't seen the incident yet, here is a clip showing it from a number of angles. Its no Zapruder film, but I think you can see the offending gesture. (I'm sorry about the song.  If you are a Family Guy fan it might be a bit amusing, but if not I'm sorry).  Sorry, but other half of the duumvirate known as The SportsOptimator must interject here: this song is awesome!  I'll always associate it with Full Metal Jacket, one of the classics, so the song is a bonus.  De gustibus non disputandum est. 



As a side story this game was also a dominated by a not-so-obvious dirty trick: France's horrific jerseys.  One member of this blog likened the back design to a Baby Björn.  It looks like Adidas is doing its best to make the French look like clowns; hopefully they save the headbutts for South Africa.

van Persie and the Placenta

Wait, nevermind.  We're good.  Arsenal dodged a bullet with the van Persie injury, because apparently he's traveling to the Balkans for some placental-massage therapy.  Whew.  Totally relieved.  

Top Ten Best Club Kits Of 2009-2010

The Sports Optimator is proud to present its Top Ten Best Kits of 2009-2010. Sadly this list was painfully difficult to populate as the world of football jerseys has imploded for some reason *ahem* Adidias *ahem* and designers are going blind all over the world. We sincerely hope that things will turn around next year and we will wind up having a drunken argument over the top 10 instead of the worst 10 and nobody will get hurt. Once again, these are in no particular order and there is absolutely no bias even though the Sports Optimator(s) are Arsenal and Manchester United fans.

Arsenal (All Three) - After going through all the candidates for worst jersey it was a great relief to find a team with great jerseys. Arsenal managed not just one, but three great jerseys. The lesson here being that simple can be great, no need for complex piping or baffling colors (Barcelona, I'm looking at you, or more accurately averting my gaze) to create an exceptional design. The collar on the away and third jerseys is also awesome, the death of the collar saddens me.

Manchester United (All Three & Keeper) - If you told me that Nike, the reigning king of design abortions (Oregon Football), would land two multi-jersey entries in our top ten I wouldn't have believed you. Obviously the NCAA football crew isn't working on their football designs because simplicity is getting them rave reviews. The simple "V" and use of only a few colors makes Manchester United's jersey look good, so good in fact that even the Keeper is getting in on it (Petr Cech is very jealous right now) with a set of tops that look great.
Hamburg SV (White) - Shockingly, Adidas managed not to mangle a design and land in our top 10. It seems that Adidas has managed to keep some whites simple, but if the stripes didn't die into nothing mid-bicep this jersey would be great. My only gripe is Adidas' questionable logo placement, why not do Adidas & Hamburg at left and right chest? Why is one at a chest and the other centered? Olympique Marseille's white is very similar and just barely lost to Hamburg SV.
Roma (White) - Another simple design gone horribly right. Roma sticks to their colors and uses stripes to punch up their whites, which tend to be fairly dull around the world, without making it into a train wreck.
AC Milan (Home Red/Black) - A design that never gets old; vertical stripes, white collar, and a good color scheme. The only strikes against it are the centered Adidas logo and the shoulder stripes that stop mid-bicep.
Manchester City (All Three) - The dark horse of the group, and even though this list in in no particular order these may just be our top pick. Another great example of simplicity triumphing over flash, especially the black away and sash element on the whites. Major kudos to Umbro here, they seem to churn out great simple designs (England's kits from 2006-2010) without being boring.

Internazionale (Home & Away) - Nike is running away with the best 10 title with Internazionale being their third. This was almost PSV Eindhoven or Atletico Madrid, but the colors and classic striping were just too much, and their whites look great as well very much like Roma's. Simple and classic, nothing crazy here just good design. This could have been Sunderland as well, but their away kit made me think twice about including any of their jerseys.
Urawa Reds (Home Red) - Urawa just barely lost out to Manchester City as our top dark horse. I fully expected a carnival of horrors from the J-League, but was pleasantly amazed (even though half of them made me gag) by the Urawa Reds. Another simple design, avoids odd piping and randomly terminating stripes.
Celtic (Home & Away) - Nike strikes again with one of the most unique kits out there. They retained Celtic's long standing use of horizontal stripes, and even downed a few handfuls of shrooms to come up with the "bumble bee" look that actually looks pretty good. We won't get into the plaid shorts that go with their white international kit, we'll save that for our much anticipated worst shorts list.
FC Copenhagen (White) - This won out over others mainly as an example of how to use your logo well. A company that will not be named *ahem* Puma *ahem* likes to put its logo in 40 different places on its kits in the event you don't know who makes them. Kappa seems to have taken that approach and done something good with it on the sleeves. Too many logos? Definitely. An actual design element. Yes, so its ok.
Also Recieving Votes :

Lyon (White) - Very similar to Roma's, but added humor because their away black-red gradient is so hideous.

Paris Saint-Germain (Blue) - Arsenal away-esque, simple, and another Nike! Nike football seems to be bizarro-NCAA, can we have them switch teams for the sake of the Pac-10?

Atletico Madrid / PSV Eindhoven - Just barely lost to FC Copenhagen, this is what happens when more than one person tries to make a Top 10 list. To be fair they are very similar to Internazionale in the vertical striping, so maybe there should have been a Thick Vertical Stripes That Look Great category.

Weekly Flotsam and Jetsam

After a week in which England and Brasil played an incredibly boring, meaningless, dull, flat, Friendly in Dubai; Van Persie tore ligaments in another Int'l Friendly, rendering him unavailable for key games against Chelsea and Liverpool (does this even count as a key game anymore?); and Jay Cutlerthrew five picks against a shitty Niners team, I needed some distractions.  As usual, the intertube did not disappoint. 

First off, the Spanish region of Extramadura attempts to make the one-way a national pastime.
This is not necessarily sports-related, but since some of us make this a sport, I'm including it.  How stupid do people think the kids in this region are?  Were pamphlets really necessary?   

Speaking of acid, this is the best baseball-related thing I've seen in a while.  After Holliday took one in the nuts, and the NY All-Stars took the Fall Classic, I haven't been in much of a baseball mood, but the story of Doc Ellis' no hitter on a bunch of acid is from a better time, when men were men, there were no make-believe baseball teams like the Diamondbacks, Marlins, or Devil Rays (unless you count the Cubs), and the Atlanta Braves actually played in a geographical division that made sense. 

By now this is old news, but in case you missed it, Elisabeth Lambert was caught on video in some crazy girl-on-girl action.  

And, finally, it looks like Titans owner Bud Adams put some tips he picked up from the Flight of the Conchords to good use over the weekend.

Scum Of The Earth : Rival Colored Apparel Wearers

You might be saying "what?" to the headline, but I don't know what else to call it. They are the people who wear "fashion" apparel for their "favorite" team in colors of their rival(s). To be honest, I can't imagine a better to way to show your complete lack of allegiance to your supposed team.

For anyone who hasn't seen this plague in person, just wait a few weeks. You will no doubt see local idiots, and even celebrities, sporting one of the most popular marks of a non-fan; the red Yankee's hat. The fact that these are even made is proof that either there is no God, or the Devil exists, and quite possibly both. To don a red Yankee's hat is to be completely unaware that their bitter rivals are the Red Sox, add to this list red Cal hats similar to the one pictured above. Stanfurd is your hated rival, so when did it become acceptable to wear their hat with the Cal logo?!

European Football Recap, Or, Carlton Cole is a Wanker

The Sports Optimator has been dragging its collective feet the past two weeks, for reasons unbeknownst to even them.  To make up for lost time, it will attempt to cram old and random news in next to newish news, and still make it seem interesting.

I know you're excited.  Though maybe not as much as this guy. 
  

First up: Some Parisians, contrary to some stereotypes, are not quite as civilized as one might like.  Football Weekly's Barry Glenndenning reports:

European football did not, in fact, shut down due to Swine Flu.  The game between Marseille and Paris St. Germain was merely postponed.  But, luckily for the fans, it was postponed late enough for them to be already at the ground...so they were still able to have their riot, and get canisters of tear gas chucked at them by the police...so their day's fun wasn't entirely ruined.

Everybody seemed to be well-armed for the affair.  One fan had a crossbow, apparently, and the police look to be well-equipped with double-barrelled flare guns.

Seriously, though, PSG hooligans seem to be some of the worst of their kind, which is certainly saying something.  Just last year one was killed by an off-duty police officer after a hate mob had surrounded a Jewish fan of Hapoel Tel Aviv.

While we're on the subject of the letter 'P,' Plovdiv, Bulgaria, has a sweet crest, is host to economic and cultural events such as the International Fair Plovdiv, the international theatrical festival "A Scene on a Crossroad", the TV festival "The Golden Chest" - not to be confused with Dimitar Berbatov's golden chest - and the bi-annual Plovdiv derby.  How quaint.  


Moving on.  The fortunes of Liverpool have oscillated wildly over the past few weeks, as everybody surely knows by now.  What you may not know, however, is that the fortunes of the Sunderland beachball have ended up in the same spot as Liverpool's Champions League hopes: in the toilet.

Arsenal's fortunes, on the other hand, seem to be on the upswing.  After two straight second-half letdowns against weaker sides (although it should be said that Carlton Cole went down for that penalty faster than Chloë Sevigny in Brown Bunny), the Gunners had their way with Liverpool (and Voronin, who, in addition to being rubbish, has the best/worst cock-rock haircut this side of Europe, and I mean the band, not the continent...  Voronin...  was he really the leading goal-scorer at Bayer Leverkusen?  The Bundesliga must be in worse shape than I thought), Spurs, and, in particularly fine fashion, AZ Alkmaar.  Eduardo should be singled out for his gorgeous back-heel to Arshavin in the run-up to the final goal, but it was Arshavin who shone brightest last night.  As Wenger said in his typical Frenglish after the game, "He gave the ball every time the fraction of the second you wanted him to give it, and that is top quality."  Hear hear.  Going back to the Spurs tie and their dismal defending (because as exciting as Cesc's solo goal was, it was perhaps not "one of the greatest goals in Premier League history"), the Guardian's Barry Glendenning points out that "no amount of Croatian lesbian-lookalikes is going to stop you shipping goals").  He has a point.  Well, two good points, actually. 

Elsewhere, Real Madrid's 2-0 victory over Getafe is being heralded as the best performance by ten men since Debbie Does Dallas.

While we're on the subject of porno, The Sports Optimator is proud to link to One of the Greatest Websites Ever: SPORNO.  We also humbly submit two of our own submissions to the effort, although the second one is not Sporno at all.  It's just wrong.  The Google image bin is a fascinating place, indeed.  

Yankees Buy World Series Title, Country Yawns

Well the Yankees finally bought themselves a World Series title. I shouldn't say the country yawns, there is the state of New York and all the Yankee front runners out there that see this as a great opportunity to be more annoying. Just wait, over the next few weeks all those people you saw randomly wearing Phillies gear the past year will switch to Yankee's hats and shirts.

I know their fans will see it differently, but this is a perfect example of whats wrong with baseball today. MLB survived the steroids era and appears to be healthy again, but the state of the game for fans is on life support. I know the Yankees may not have literally bought the title, but their insane spending basically guarantees them the best chance at winning.

I normally watch the World Series all the way through, but I completely checked out after game four. Mostly I was sick of watching the Yankees, but for the most part I just couldn't listen to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver gush about the Yankees anymore. I'm somewhat sad I didn't watch game six, I'm sure McCarver had some real gems that would have kept me laughing for weeks.

Top Ten Worst Club Kits Of 2009-2010

So after much back and forth, research, and more than a few six packs of Spaten, we are proud to present The Sports Optimator's first Ten Worst Club Kits list. These are in no particular order, so you can consider them all equally bad ideas.

Hannover 96 (All Three) - If this list wasn't in any particular order, Hannover 96 might just sit atop our list of worst jerseys.  Under Armour has managed a rare treble by skunking up all three uniforms with a ghastly mix of design elements. Under Armour's questionable design surprised me since they have managed to come up with some decent college football uniforms (Utah, Texas Tech), aside from the piping, but the wedges/slashes at the collar just don't work well on the pitch. Under Armour nearly landed two entries on the top ten (Omiya Ardija), but they are still second fiddle to Adidas... click clack? Maybe next year.

VfL Bochum (Home & Away) - Our first entry by Do You Football is probably their worst. I can't help think the home jersey was the result of laying down on a freshly painted white park bench. These are also frustrating because their 2008 kits were pretty decent.

Schalke 04 (Away Black) - This jersey leaves us shaking our heads, and I'd like to think the people of Gelsenkirchen are shaking theirs as well. Schalke 04 suffers from Adidas' 2009 assault on our eyes, and from what I can only call a collar explosion, which is sadly not unique to Schalke 04.

Chelsea (Home Blue) - As was pointed out on this site in an earlier post, one word describes what's wrong with this kit: zipper.  Let us, for a moment, set aside the odd external stitching look and the questionable placement of seams. What is the deal with the zipper?  We've watched a number of Chelsea and Bayern Munich games, and have yet to see a player pull the zipper down. Is it functional? Is it for show?  And, if so, who thought it was a good idea?

Puma Template - We came across a number of particularly foul jerseys, and - what do you know? - they were all based on the same Puma template. The proliferation of Puma logos has annoyed us, but the pattern around the neck and the accents are just too much to handle. You might be thinking "Well, it's not so bad." Well, take a look at what happened to Bordeaux Girondin's kits.  Do they come with sailor hats?  Also falling prey to Puma are AEK Athens, Lazio, and Brugge.

Bayern München (Home Red) - This is basically a red version of Chelsea's home blue, but they lose points for the wretched continuation of the team-name-above-the-numbers-player-name-below trend. The only thing worse than this is having a sponsor above or below the numbers. Bayern München's home kit saddens the Optimator, since their away and third have real collars and don't look so bad. Maybe they need "Bayern München" on the back so you don't confuse them with Chelsea.  The Bundesliga is dominating this list, and this is a perfect example of why.

Olympique Marseille (Away Blue) - This is a particularly odd jersey for our list because their home whites look pretty good. After I recovered from the seizure caused by this jersey, I noticed it looks like they didn't have enough material to complete it, so they used bits and pieces of left over fabric from other jerseys. There is just way too much going on here.  Just try not to stare directly at it.

Palermo (Away Black) - Did they find this at Juicy Couture?

Olympique Lyon (Black-Red) - This is very similar to the Marseille away jersey, in the sense that the Lyon home white nearly made our ten best list. There isn't much to say about this, aside from the fact that it's hideous. There is a good reason the gradient look is not used...ever. For those of you keeping count: Ligue 1 - (4); Bundesliga - (4).  Our last jersey will decide the winner!

Kaiserslautern (All Three) - And... the Bundesliga takes the title over Ligue 1, thanks to these particularly unctious entries by Do You Football.

Also Receiving Votes :

Omiya Ardija - Under Armour takes its assualt to the J-League with these Hannover 96'esque designs. How do you say "There is no god" in Japanese?

Adidas (All Designs) - This is a banner year for bad design at Adidas. Perhaps the pressure to create something new has forced their hand into farting out some bad ideas. The classic shoulder stripes that stop short, and in some cases are terminated by bizarre piping that makes them look like Napoleon, are just a horrible move. Add in Liverpool's black third kit and I'm practically sick to my stomach. Lets just go back to the trefoil and pretend the last few years never happened.

Football YouTubes of the Week

Coming on the heels of Palermo's header from mid-field, we get Stankovic's mid-field strike.  This video gets an extra nod for having the strangest background music ever for a sports clip. 

Not bad, but not as impressive as this Voetbal juggle-and-strike beauty.  Sort of Ronaldinho-esque. 

An old clip from better days in Berlin is the chip of the week.

This is promising.

Germany's World Cup players have been warned to expect to wear bullet-proof vests if they venture away from the team hotel at the 2010 finals in South Africa.

Dr. Maradona, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Take It Up the Arse

Instead of transcribing things, I will just link to this brilliant piece in the Guardian.

Maradona: He's the poster boy for not putting the GDP of Guatemala up your nose.  As my friend said, and I think he was being kind, it takes the skill of a dumbshit to fuck up that badly with that team.  To really grasp Maradona's accomplishments, one has to consider that this is a team that football pundits almost unanimously agree has to be in the World Cup, to make it a good one, because of their glut of talent (they are certainly more than just Messi), and yet it is not hyperbole to say that it took a miracle to beat the worst team in South America, and, AND! that that miracle hung by the tiniest threads up to the last second, as Peru got off a shot as time expired that hit the woodwork. 

How surreal must it be to play on that team?  Agüero knocking up Maradona's daughter in some quasi-incestuous pairing, the coach getting up at 3pm, sliding around the pitch on his belly after wins...  his thoughtful and nuanced post-match interviews (you have to be able to understand German to get anything out of this, but he tells his non-supporters, quite literally, to suck dicks)...  to say nothing of his absolutely astounding roster moves, in which he seems to ascend to a new level of crazy with each passing match.  Riquelme, the  Argentine with one of the most stunning World Cup goals I have ever seen, isn't even on the roster.  Neither is defender Walter Samuel, whose nickname is "The Wall."  I'm pretty sure if one of your defender's nickname is "The Wall," you want him on your team, even if it's only for the tangential Pink Floyd reference. 


Some fairness is in order, though.  The Sports Optimator has an official pro-post-match-penguin-slide stance.  As my friend said, "Look me in the eye and say it wouldn't bring a smile to your face to see Arséne Wenger do that.  I dare you."  I couldn't do it.  Although, if I ever did see it, after enjoying the moment, I would know that the Arsenal as I know it had just ceased to exist, because Wenger was clearly losing his mind.  

And, as long as I'm mocking his ineptitude and off-field shenanigans, and I am, I have to give him credit for not employing tarot cards when assembling his team, although, given that his choices have been even more astounding than Domenech's, he might want to get him on the phone. 

Unintentional Comedy in the Primera División

In preparation for The Sports Optimator's momentous release of the Ten Worst Current Kits, we decided to release a quick sampling of the Primera División's jerseys, because, as I said, do they even count? I mean, sheeeeit, we'd have to expand the rankings by about 20 or so. 

Cases in point:

Atlante:

 Aside from the weird single stripe, I count six logos on here.

Atlas:

Here we can see the migration of logos onto the sleeves, Nascar-style.  Which is to prepare you for...

Joma Indios:

Holy shit.  Look me in the eye and tell me Jimmy Johnson hasn't worn this.  

Jagueres:

Holy shit!  See above comment times 10!  When the players give post-game interviews, do they have stickers plastered all over their faces?

Monterrey:

This is actually the best jersey, by far, but that's not saying much.  The stripe within a stripe is questionable, but it gets included here because of its unintentionally hilarious sponsor.  América has similar problems, although they should be commended, too, for having something resembling a recognizable color scheme.  Small mercies.  This funny sponsor has nothing, however, on a Peruvian club called, and I am not making this up, Deportivo Wanka.  You're welcome. 

Morelia:

Oh my stars.  My head is swimming with free associations: Ronald McDonald, the Ronald McDonald House, retards.  Look, making fun of retards isn't very nice, and you shouldn't do it, but did retards design this?  My eyeballs are scarring over spontaneously.

And, finally, the design equivalent of "pull my finger," Necaxa:

Cal Enjoys Being Wildly Overrated For Next 12-24 Hours

The fact that Cal is currently ranked, or was ever ranked, is shocking to me. Cal has managed to go from a dark horse Pac-10 contender to a trendy Rose Bowl pick, and then drop a whopping 18 places (depending on what poll you read) to unranked for week 6. I would love to do some research and figure out if any team in history that shouldn't have been ranked in the first place managed to be so overrated.

The media needs to form some kind of common sense panel to review the rankings each week. I am convinced this is necessary because all of the articles I've read about Cal seem to boil down to "They have all the talent to win the Pac-10 or make a BCS title run... if Kevin Riley plays well." If Cal's receivers were made up of 12" high and 7'-0" tall players Kevin Riley would be the best QB in all of football, but sadly they are unable to catch balls at their feet or 3' over their heads. The "BCS Buster" era has also encouraged wild rankings swings based on pre-season rankings (see; Houston, Boise St.), I'll delve into that later especially if we are in for a repeat of the Alabama-Utah debacle.

Each week has exposed all of the issues people managed to gloss over in the pre-season; Average-at-best QB, average WR corp prone to dropped passes with no deep threat, and a young (confused, poor tackling, and poor pass coverage) LB unit in a system that relies on their "depth" to make plays on defense. In the past two weeks Cal has been torched by skilled TE's, quick hitch routes, and off tackle runs that are surprisingly effective when you rely on tackling by the ankles.



I am not looking forward to being proven right over the rest of the season. I may actually throw up on the poor people sitting in front of me if we go from #6 to losing to stanfurd, making me 0-3 this year against insufferable fans (stay classy Eugene) and 0-3 against horrible bands if/when we lose to fUCLA. I have a bad feeling the above image (ill-advised pass to a offensive lineman resulting in a penalty and wild cheering) will sum up the Cal season, and be its most memorable moment.

Nike & Oregon Prove Blindness

If you were lucky enough to miss the Oregon-Utah game this weekend your eyes can thank you. Nike and Oregon continue their experiments in bad design with another set of questionable uniforms, which are a minor improvement over the 2007-2008 collection of horrors. Each year Oregon seems to refine their school colors, which have gone from green and yellow to chalky green, black, pastel yellow, and carbon.

The problem with the game against Utah wasn't so much the uniform design as much as how Oregon decided to use them. Apparently a group of people at Oregon put their heads together and decided it would be a great idea to mix and match parts of each uniform. I'm completely blown away that someone thought this was a good idea and let it on the field!
There are so many things going on here, I think I actually threw up in my mouth a little when I turned the game on. They did a piece on Oregon's "uniforms" during the game, and apparently the equipment manager fields a number of complaints from fans that the numbers are unreadable, which as you can see is the least of their problems. My biggest concern is Nike's continuing campaign to ruin college football uniforms (remember those long sleeved undershirts they had a few years back at Florida, Virgina Tech, and USC?!) and their use of Oregon as ground zero. I'm actually frightened to see what kind of abortion they come up with in 2010.

Chelsea Kit Malfeasance

While we're on the subject of kits, what the hell is going on over at the company formerly known as adidas? When I saw the new Chelsea kits, my first thought was that somebody at adidas thought it would be funny if they started using that classic design motif from the 80's - the exposed hem - all over their shirts. Here we see Peter modeling the new gear:




Wait, here:



Sweet. Actually, I'm pretty sure the regular jersey is exponentially worse. Note the liberal use of a mesh-like material on what I can only describe as breast patches. Then it starts up again underneath the sponsor. The cancer appears to have spread to the sleeves, as well. Wait, is that a fucking ZIPPER?

Ajax Kit

The Ajax jerseys are a great example of a bad design. The red trim around the name on the back looks OK from up close, but a team full of guys with names like Alderweireld, Stekelenburg, Zeegelaar, and Bakircioglü results in names in grand arcs having to fit on the jersey, and looking like "erweir" unless you walk right up behind them.


FAIL.