Don't worry, Ireland, God hates Arsenal, too.

How do I know this?  Because, in rapid succession, Van Persie; the collective Arsenal; and Kieran Gibbs; were all smitten by the vengeful hand of God that took the form of Giorgio Chiellini, Darren Bent, and Eliaquim Mangala (and, by extension, Konrad Plautz).  This all took place in the span of a fortnight, which must be some sort of number that displeases God.

First off was the inexplicable injury suffered by Van Persie in a friendly against Italy.



Why in God's name do they even play these things?  Because as often as people cite ManU's depth as one of the main reasons for their consistent dominance (i.e., footballers get hurt... a LOT), you'd think the powers that be would want to limit the number of meaningless opportunities for someone to rush off to the Balkans for some horse placenta (as an aside, as weird as this seems at first glance, it's quite brilliant in theory, since placentas are full of regenerative cells - don't believe me? - just ask Andrea Sooch!).  In all seriousness, that was a really stupid and reckless tackle, as Chiellini basically hacked down on Van Persie's ankle, and I'm surprised Van Persie wasn't as indignant as Kuyt afterwards.

Then, just to prove how important Van Persie is to Arsenal's attack, God allowed Darren Bent to do them in, in the first game of the season that Arsenal's opposition has not conceded.  This wasn't Boring, Boring Arsenal, but it was the sort of defeat that Gooners have come to expect over the last few years - the 1-0 defeat on the road to a team far inferior on paper, although in this case, the feeling of dread which grew as the game drew nearer was more logical, based on Sunderland's efforts this season against Liverpool and ManU.

Perhaps with the Old Testament God in mind, Emmanuel Eboue showed up to the pitch last night wearing his Blessed Be God Forever t-shirt.  Despite this and Eboue's penchant for bad dives, bad tackles, and bad passing not being on display, God remained displeased with the Arsenal, and he spoke through Konrad Plautz, who, in his piety, allowed Eliaquim Mangala to remain on the pitch even after his second dangerous tackle of the day (on the excellent-as-always Alex Song).  This oversight led to this fateful encounter between Mangala and Gibbs:

                                Photograph: Nick Potts/PA


Notice how the ball is nowhere near Gibbs' foot when Mangala comes charging into the area like a 15-year-old into his girlfriend's pants.  Stupid.  Almost as stupid as Wenger having anyone from the first-team out there at all while this almost meaningless game's embers faded.  So, after Gibbs had stepped in so admirably to replace the ever-relevant Clichy, perhaps even outplaying his senior, God's retribution was swift and cruel as He felled the left-back with a broken metatarsal for three months.

It should be noted that Gallas and Arshavin were excruciated during the tie against Liege, as well, as God guided Arshavin's skull into Gallas' eye-socket (and, seconds later, a Vermaelen laser right into Arshavin's unwitting and already-bloodied head), and Gallas may indeed miss Sunday's crucial match against Chelsea, leaving Arsenal's defense, no longer whole, horribly exposed.

All this misery should come as no surprise, really, as Divinity's unforgiving treatment of the Arsenal and its fans started long ago, really, when its proud, noble, and beautiful heraldic crest

 was laid to waste, utterly, by the current abomination that I am loathe to sully my pages with.

When this happened, many Gooners probably supplicated on bended knee, crying out "Why, God, why?!," and, indeed, I would pray to God in genuflection that He would smite this unholy thing from before mine eyes, if I thought He would hear me. 

I know better, though, so instead, for today's benediction, let us listen to the Psalm of St. Victor, who, in the midst of his martyrdom, proclaimed that "the Lord was a rotten Bastard."  Amen.