FOX News Optimator : Federer Has Little Time Left To Be Hated

The tail end of 2009 has been interesting to say the least. Tiger Woods has managed to destroy his public image and send at least one sponsor (Accenture) running for the hills, and the sad thing is it could get worse if his name gets dropped in an investigation. I'm really hoping Tiger doesn't knock off Barry Bonds as the asterisk athlete of the century, but I'm sure Barry wouldn't mind having someone take his place.

I was watching late night TV and the 11 o'clock news opened with a story about Tiger, and being completely sick and tired of having him shoved in my face I was about to change the channel, and they showed a brief clip of an older Gillette ad. The ad featured Tiger Woods, Theirry Henry (later replaced by Derek Jeter), and Roger Federer... and that is when it hit me. Federer doesn't have much time left in 2009 to be hated!

You need more than a razor to lose the 'stache Theirry

First Henry donned the moustache and turned all of Ireland, and FIFA disciplinary board, against him. Not to be outdone, Tiger Woods' private life has exploded all over the tabloids to topple reigning gossip royalty Jon & Kate Goslin, and turn basically everyone against him. The fact Woods completely mishandled the fallout just made it worse, its almost as though he drew the moustache on himself. This leaves Federer in a tough position, how does he top them? Is this an inside bet between the three? Is it a Gillette conspiracy to drive razor sales?

I've been thinking about what he could do to top Tiger, and its nearly impossible with a little over two weeks left. My first idea was to hit a prominent political figure in the face with a statue, but someone beat him to it.* The bar is so high, even if it came out that he was juicing for every one of his titles I don't think it would get as much press as Woods' ill fated trip down his driveway. My next thought would be his admission that his family was rich with Nazi gold, but that would be too obvious... or so the Germans would have us believe. I think the solution is that Roger sneak into a White House event, take his picture with famous politicians, make a mockery of the Secret Service, and punch Obama in the face for stealing our freedom by trying to provide health care options. That should do it.

*If you are wondering what Silvio is doing in a Sports Optimator article, he headed AC Milan for over 18 years. Plus, he could probably tell Tiger a few things about sex scandals and being an upstanding citizen.

FOX News Optimator : Heisman Voters, What Are You Smoking?

I need to be upfront about something before I move on. As a fan I couldn't be happier that a Stanfurd player AND Colt McCoy didn't win the Heisman. As a rational human being, I am completely and utterly confused.

First of all, it was somewhat clear that Colt McCoy was out of the running for the Heisman after he wet the bed against Nebraska. McCoy and Texas were literally one second away from out-choking Nebraska in the Big 12 Championship, and Colt did little if nothing to lift his team to victory. All season the liberal east coast media has been stuffing McCoy down our throats along with Tim Tebow as the "obvious" Heisman favorite. Apparently feasting on one of the most overrated conferences in the NCAA, where nobody but Texas has anything resembling a defense, is the biggest factor int he Heisman vote. Luckily the east coast bias failed this year, and the talking heads didn't get their man... or so it seems.

The real injustice lies in the snub of the real obvious pick; Toby Gerhart. Gerhart lead all FBS teams in rushing (1736 yards) and TD's (26) with one less game than Ingram. To pour more salt on the wound, Gerhart won the Doak Walker Award for the best HB of 2009. This would make Gerhart an obvious pick over Mark Ingram, since Ingram is also a HB. How another HB could be better is beyond me, but I'm not a part of the liberal conspiracy holding down the west coast.

The next issue is VORP (Value Over Replacement Player), which is used in baseball but I'm going to use it in a non-statistical analysis. If Ingram were not at Alabama, would they still be 13-0 and playing for the National Title? Now consider Stanfurd, without Gerhart would the still be 8-4? Do they beat Oregon, USC, or an overrated Notre dame without their only offensive weapon? Do they even go 4-8? I think there is no doubt a Stanfurd team without Gerhart is a completely different squad, but the Heisman voters didn't seem to take this into consideration.

You know what, maybe it was this photo that swayed the voters.

The final problem, and deathblow to Gerhart's chances, is the conspiracy to televise Heisman "favorites" and relegate challengers to regional television. The media has fallen all over itself this season to make sure people get to see Tebow, McCoy, and Ingram as much as possible. Stanfurd is a smaller program, lacking tradition and class, so the media chose to ignore Gerhart accept for instances when they couldn't ignore his accomplishments. This is made obvious by how close the final vote was, as if Gerhart can go home feeling happy he was a loser by the smallest margin in history, and things might have turned out differently if they hadn't forced Alabama/Florida/Texas games on regions that are key to the vote.

I doubt 2010 will be much different, but with Kellen Moore, LaMichael James, and Jacquizz Rodgers out there maybe the west coast will have a chance next year. Sadly Mark Ingram is a sophmore, so much like Tim Tebow we will no doubt be treated to 1-2 more years of being beaten over the head by his "obvious" dominance.

Tiger Woods' Driveway Accuracy: Poor At Best

The liberal media is at it again, and this week the target for character assassination is the beloved Tiger Woods. This is a classic case of the media making a huge deal out of nothing and raking Tiger Woods' reputation over the coals to drive up ratings and sales. So far the only thing we know for sure is that Woods backed out of his driveway at 230am (apparently a crime) hit a fire hydrant and crashed into a tree (also apparently a crime) and his wife smashed a window of his car with a golf club (the only funny thing about this story, seems like that would be a huge faux pas in that family) to help him out of the car. The whole incident seemed to flip quickly from concern to conspiracy once he was released from the hospital and his injuries weren't as serious as previously thought. The conspiracy is now in full swing as the Godless liberal tabloids (TMZ, etc.) are going out of their way to create speculation as to the cause of Tiger's errant trip down his driveway. Tiger Woods should be left alone. What he does in the semi-privacy of his own driveway is his business, and it should stay that way. The way the media has been executing their smear campaign you would think he showed up to a tournament with heroine needles hanging out of his arm and crack whores in tow.

The Sports Optimator Salutes FOX News

The Sports Optimator is working hard to cover the world of sports and sports related stories, and like most writers we are heavily influenced by the best. We thought about the best ways to instill our opinions with integrity and report only the most reputable stories, and it didn't take long for us to come up with some names synonymous with great journalism; Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, etc. With this in mind we are proud to announce that the month of December is going to be FOX News month at the Sports Optimator. All month we are going to report from the world of sports in a style that really speaks to the heart of America, so start thumping your bibles and draw a Hitler moustache on Obama with a sharpie!

We know its not Obama, but I think you get the point (especially if you are an Irish fan).