Bundesliga : We Have Winner

Well after four months and alot of schadenfreude I think its safe to call a winner. I've definitely grown to enjoy the Bundesliga and cultivated my hate for Bayern Munich. I think its also nice that my dislike of Schalke has really matured right before they face Manchester United in the Champions League.

Borussia Dortmund : WIN! I'm a little conflicted because they may win the Bundesliga. I would hate to pick a team just because they won the league, but thankfully I'm drawn to more than that. They had an "insurmountable" lead at one point, but its shrunk to 5 points with 5 games to go. They only play one team in the top half of the table (Nurnberg, 6th) and get a game against relegation bound Borussia Monchengladbach. The team behind them (Bayer Leverkusen) has a tough game against Bayern Munich, so Dortmund should have the title in hand.

Is there a Japanese equivalent of schadenfreude?

I also have a small man crush on Shinji Kagawa, so I'm going to spend the summer very worried. I read that Liverpool's sponsor (Standard Chartered) wants them to buy an Asian player to boost marketing in Asia, very similar to what Manchester United has experienced with Park Ji-Sung. If Liverpool buy Kagawa, I'm going to be seriously upset.

Bayer Leverkusen : ELIMINATED. Pretty close 2nd. As the season has gone on I've grown to like Arturo Vidal. Prior to the season I had never heard of him, but he has put together a very solid season for Leverkusen with 9 goals and 8 assists (leads the team in both stats currently). I've also grown to like Renato Augusto, who is also having a good season for Leverkusen. Both guys are 23, so I'm sure they will be tormenting me for some time.

Eintracht Frankfurt : ELIMINATED. Very middle of the road team that has mainly provided me with some comedy. Their top scorer is Theofanis Gekas, a 30 year old Greek international, who has scored 16 goals for Frankfurt. The next highest scorer? Four players are tied at 2 goals. Frankfurt have scored a total of 29 goals, worst in the league, and Mr. Gekas has over half of them.

Kaisersluatern : ELIMINATED. Despite the prodding of my friend, I just didn't connect with these guys.

Werder Bremen : ELIMINATED. These guys were the heavy favorites to start the season, and all they managed to do was suck. Per Mertesacker missed alot of games with a serious facial injury, and then spent the rest of the season insisting that he wasn't going to be sold to Arsenal. They seemed really burned out when they were in the Champions League and did little to nothing to impress me. Their kits also make my eyes bleed.

VfL Wolfsburg : ELIMINATED. Currently in the relegation zone. Their top goalscorer (Edin Dzeko) hasn't been on the team in nearly four months. Their high profile coach has been fired. Unless the town of Wolfsburg bursts into flames I doubt things can get much worse.

Bundesliga : First Report Of 2011

I feel like its been a year since I last updated my search for a team, but there is still a little less than half a season left. I can't tell if I managed to start this at the right time, with Bayern Munich struggling, so the standings may be deceptive over the long term. I'm loving Bayern's problems, whats that word? Oh yes, schadenfreude.

Borussia Dortmund : UP. Way up, Dortmund has been on fire. There are still alot of games to play, but they currently sit 13 points clear at the top of the Bundesliga. They have two 8 goal scorers in Shinji Kagawa and Lucas Barrios, both guys I have come to enjoy, and have posted a whopping goal differential of 31. To put that last stat into context, the 2nd place team (Hannover 96) has a differential of 0, and the next highest is Bayern Munich at 15. Dortmund has shut out their opponent in half of their games (9), which seems to be a good way to win.

Bayer Leverkusen : UP. Mostly move up since so many teams moved down. They are currently in a log jam for third, have a positive goal differential, and haven't been playing Michael Ballack. Nothing wrong there.

Eintracht Frankfurt : UP. I have to admire their spirit. They have been playing fairly well, have probably settled into their final position somewhere in the middle of the table, and have a 30 year old Greek guy doing their goal scoring. Theofanis Gekas is second in the league with 14 goals, and is basically doing all of Frankfurt's scoring since second on the team has 2 goals.

Kaisersluatern : DOWN. Just got hammered by Bayern Munich 5-1. That 2-1 victory at the start of the season doesn't look so impressive anymore. Kaiserslautern has settled into the middle of the table with a sad 6-4-9 record. They should stay up barring a massive collapse, but they probably won't challenge for the title.

Werder Bremen : DOWN. How do I put this. This team sucks. I have Werder has a long history of being a good team, but this season is one they would probably like to forget. 5th from the bottom, 6-4-9 record, -14 goal differential, and some of the ugliest uniforms in the world. Marko Marin has failed to impress me with his two goals, at least they have someone in the Top 10 for goal scoring. I need more.

VfL Wolfsburg : ELIMINATED. I haven't eliminated them based on how they are playing (crap), or because their best player (Edin Dzeko) was just sold to Manchester City, its because of how the club is run. I heard that VfL Wolfsburg, which is owned by Volkswagon, is basically used as a way to entertain the people of Wolfsburg who are mostly VW employees. This seems to make alot of sense, and on the surface doesn't seem like an issue, but they tend to piss money away on this team. Part of the Dzeko saga was VW not wanting to upset its workers/fans by selling off their best player. On top of that, they have the ugliest jerseys. I can barely look at pictures let alone a game.

Yeah, this doesn't help.

Bundesliga : Really Late Stock Report

Oh boy, am I behind on this. Perhaps being at Danny Coyle's every Saturday or Sunday morning at 430AM for just about the entire EPL season isn't a good idea, at least I get to watch good football. I'm also distracted by college football, the NFL, a (crappy) World Series, and something about LeBron James. Well, I'm all out of excuses, let get down to it.

Borussia Dortmund : UP. Top of the Bundesliga and they bookend a tepid run with solid wins over Bayern Munich (2-0) and Mainz (2-0). They managed a 1-1 draw to PSG in the Europa League and TSG Hoffenheim in the Bundesliga, then followed it up with a loss (in penalties) to OFC Kickers in the DFB-Pokal (German Cup). Despite a sorry run there they sit atop the Bundesliga, play the most attractive football I've seen from any league team, and are turning into serious favorites to win my devotion.

Yes, we can read.

Side Note : Read an interesting article on the role of Japanese players in Germany and how they have managed to get a foot in the door. The Bundesliga currently has four Japanese players, and Kagawa is quickly becoming the most popular... at least in Dortmund.

Werder Bremen : DOWN. These guys are almost in free fall, and are back to playing like crap. They have managed to lose three straight games in three different competitions. They lost to Bayern Munich 2-1 in the DFB-Pokal, Nurnberg 3-2 in the league, and 2-0 to Twente in the Champions League. They are currently 11th, have a negative goal differential (-2), and I'm not seeing much from potential Man Crush Marko Marin. To make things worse, they have to beat Spurs and Inter to stay in the Champions League AND pray that Twente does the same... not good.

Another Side Note : I will never get this, but why is Nürnberg "Nuremberg" in English? Why is München "Munich" to us?! It's not like we can't pronounce it, or it can't be spelled with our alphabet. This bothers me.

Bayer Leverkusen : DOWN. Another club enjoying a tepid run punctuated by draws and losses. At least they lost to a Bundesliga team (Borussia Monchengladbach) in the DFB-Pokal, and beat Schalke in their last league game. The good news is that Ballack hasn't touched the pitch since September 11th, and they are currently 4th, so its not all bad.

Cue sad trombone.

Eintracht Frankfurt : UP. These guys are on fire lately, going 4-1-0 in their past five games which includes a DFB-Pokal win over a Bundesliga team (Hamburg SV). I still can't name anyone on the squad without looking them up, but they seem to be getting it done. I can't help but think they are riding a bizarre hot streak, maybe its because their 30 year old Greek striker leads the Bundesliga with 9 goals. It doesn't really matter, they are playing well, scoring goals (13 in 5 games), playing defense (4 allowed), and most importantly winning.

Kaisersluatern : DOWN. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Well, they weren't really mighty to start out, but they sure played like it. 1FCK is down to 14th, just three points clear of the relegation zone, and this is after winning their last two games in convincing fashion. They drubbed Arminia Bielefeld (Worst team in the Zweiteliga) and Borussia Monchengladbach (Worst in the Bundesliga) 3-0. A win is a win, but they don't have alot to brag about. If they can take down Leverkusen this coming weekend and make Ballack stare in stone-faced silence I'll move them up the list.

VfL Wolfsburg : NO CHANGE. Wolfsburg isn't moving mainly because they don't have much farther to fall. They seem to be having alot of off field issues, but at least they have won their last three games to crawl into 12th place. The whole Edin Dzeko saga is a real headache, and may continue to be one until the transfer window opens in January. Dzeko has an insane €40 million buy-out clause in his contract, which eliminates all but the richest and stupidest clubs *cough* Manchester City *cough*. Despite this, the guy seems desperate to leave the sinking ship that is Wolfsburg. I just went through the Rooney saga, I don't need to get into another transfer/contract/wages conspiracy.

Bundesliga : Stock Report Week 7

I finally get a week off after this for an International Break, I'm actually lucky I can't watch all of these games. I think it would be way too much work to follow everything, I may have bitten off more than I can chew just following a few Bundesliga teams. Damn NFL, NCAA, MLB, and EPL.

Borussia Dortmund : UP. Win 2-0 against Bayern Munich. Dortmund won, quite convincingly, but after watching this game I can see why Bayern is playing so poorly. They are without Ribery and Robben (their two best offensive weapons), and it showed against Dortmund. Dortmund didn't play all that well in the first half, and should have been down at least 1-0, but they came out and put Bayern away in the second half. Sad to see one of my World Cup mancrushes, Holger Badstuber of Bayern, play like crap.

Lucas Barrios scored his 4th, and spurned Argentina. I like this guy.

Werder Bremen : NO CHANGE. Drew 2-2 with Leverkusen. I wish I could have watched this game since Marin scored and Per Mertesacker made his return.

Bayer Leverkusen : NO CHANGE. Drew 2-2 with Werder Bremen, couldn't watch and they managed not to get blown out like they did against Inter in the Champions League.

Kaisersluatern : NO CHANGE. Lose 2-1 to Hamburg. Didn't get to watch this game either, but they are not looking good. 1FCK is falling down the table fast and find themselves 2 clear of the relegation zone.

Eintracht Frankfurt : UP. Beat Stuttgart 2-1 and fly clear of the relegation zone, I'm not cure what to make of these guys yet. They win 3 in a row then drop 2, have only scored more than 2 goals once (4-0 over Borrussia Monchengladbach), and haven't been able to draw once.

VfL Wolfsburg : NO CHANGE. Draw 1-1 against Monchengladbach. McClaren has been able to turn them around (3-0-1) after a horrible start (0-3-0) and find themselves in the middle of the table. They could still sneak into the Top 3, but they are going to have to finish the season strong.

Bundesliga : Stock Report, Week 6

Another late report, you can blame it on the apocalyptic state of the Bundesliga. If you aren't sitting down you probably should...ok... Bayern Munich is not top of the table. Something crazy is happening this season, and lowly Mainz is 6-0-0 and top of the world. I'm going to put it all on sample size, the season is still young and Mainz has been playing well beyond their means. If you watch them nothing jumps out at you, they are a very organized vanilla no-name team that has been playing well. I'll put my money on Dortmund to finish above Mainz, and I'll be shocked if they finish in a Champions League spot (Top 3).

Borussia Dortmund : UP. Dortmund are on fire, winning 3-1 over St. Pauli and sitting #2 in the Bundesliga. Shinji Kagawa scores his fourth goal of the season, and they only have to play Bayern Munich next week.

Werder Bremen : NO CHANGE. Beat rival Hamburg 3-2, they had a 2-0 lead at the half and allowed two goals in 4' to start the second half. I finally got to see Marko Marin score, the guy reminds me of a not-as-funny Andrei Arshavin who actually looks his age. I'm so late on this report that Bremen have just finished their Champions League game against Inter, a bad 4-0 loss.

Side Note : Finally figured out what happened to Per Mertesacker, he took an elbow to an eye in an international friendly. Apparently it broke his eye socket and their were concerns of permanent damage to his vision, looks like he will be ok.

Bayer Leverkusen : NO CHANGE.

Kaisersluatern : NO CHANGE. Lose 0-1 to Hannover 96 in a dull game. Kaiserslautern had a few chances to score but let Hannover take this one. They are really falling down the table now and have probably settled into the bottom half for good.

VfL Wolfsburg : NO CHANGE. Didn't get to watch their 2-1 win over Freiburg. Grafite nets twice.

Eintracht Frankfurt : NO CHANGE. Win 2-0 over Nurnberg, vault out of the relegation zone... barely.

Bundesliga : Stock Report, Week 5

Another short week, after watching Antonio Valencia break his leg mid-week I've been a little out of it. I only managed to catch two games this weekend (Werder Bremen-Mainz, and Schalke-Leverkusen), but the fixtures looked fairly vanilla (aside from the 7-0 ass kicking Borussia Monchengladbach took) so nobody moved around in the standings.

Borussia Dortmund : UP. Shinji Kagawa! Dortmund beat rival Schalke 3-1, two of their goals coming from Japanese international Kagawa. Dortmund looked good, Schalke's recent form has been horrible, and they just couldn't catch a break today. This game could have been much worse for Schalke, I like what I saw from Dortmund today. This win puts them in 3rd, the season is young so that sounds more impressive than it should.

Werder Bremen : NO CHANGE. Lose 2-0 at Mainz in a very dull game. Neither side played all that well, but Bremen looked least interested in winning. I finally got to see Marko Marin play, and he didn't really do all that much aside from missing a few chances to put one on goal. They have been without Per Mertesacker, and I keep hearing alot of Champions League Fatigue excuses, its getting old. Mainz looked like they wanted this game, and took it, two preventable goals sent Bremen packing.

Side note : I learned that Bremen's rival/derby team is Hamburg SV, a team that could break into this list if I see good things from them.

Bayer Leverkusen : NO CHANGE. Draw 0-0 with Nurnberg, snooze. Despite having the ball 67% of the game, nothing much happened. It was even boring to read the game report, although Stephan Kiessling was injured.

Leverkusen may be lucky if this is as close as he gets to the field for the rest of the season.

Kaisersluatern : NO CHANGE. Draw 2-2 against TSG Hoffenheim, "plummet" out of the top after their win over Bayern. Their early form is slipping, but they aren't getting blown out of games.

Side note : Mainz is their rival/derby team, I may have said this last week.

VfL Wolfsburg : NO CHANGE. Win 2-0 over Hannover 96. Dzeko nets in this game, making it 4 goals in 4 games for him. This was a much needed win even though they are still in the relegation zone with a 1-0-3 record.

Eintracht Frankfurt : NO CHANGE. Lose 1-0 to FC Freiburg, still out of the relegation zone, but not by much.

Bundesliga : Stock Report, Week 3-4

Another short report. No games the previous week due to an International break, but plenty of fun this week. I was able to catch Werder Bremen and Kaiserslautern online.

Side note : I'm now very interested in true rivals. Whenever I've asked about rivals I get "Bayern Munich" as an answer. I can't believe the entire country is rivals with Bayern, so now I'm on a mission to figure out all of the rivalries.

Borussia Dortmund : NO CHANGE. Didn't get to watch them play, beat Wolfsburg 2-0. Their Japanese player scored one of the goals, I'm actually surprised there aren't more Japanese players in the Bundesliga.

Werder Bremen : NO CHANGE. Weird week for Werder, two draws; 0-0 with Bayern Munich in a so-so game and they come back from being down 2-0 to Tottenham in the Champions League, finish the game 2-2. Marko Marin nets in the CL game, this could have been bad for Werder. They have looked poor to start the season, but these games could signal a turnaround.

Bayer Leverkusen : UP. How can I root for a team with Ballack, easy, he was injured this week. Now he can stand on the sidelines and look very majestic, just like he did for Chelsea last year. Drew 2-2 with Hannover 96 this weekend.

Kaisersluatern : NO CHANGE. Lose on the road to Mainz 2-1 in a pillow fight of a game. The game was quite dull, but the goals were very good. Apparently this was a derby game, and the Mainz fans came with cardboard signs/models and made a giant Aztec complete with temple and still beating heart representing 1FCK. Why am I not shocked that Germans could organize such things, never seen this kind of thing before.

VfL Wolfsburg : DOWN. The fall continues, I know its early but they are melting down. Lose 2-0 to Dortmund, I think McClaren's head is going to explode. Apparently the Bundesliga is tougher than the Erdivisie.

Eintracht Frankfurt : UP. Stomp all over Borussia Monchengladbach on the road, walk away with a 4-0 win. I wish I could have seen this, quite a swing for Monchengladbach after scoring 6 last week.

Bundesliga : Stock Report, Week 2

This is going to be a short report, I was only able to watch two Bundesliga games this week (Schalke 04-Hannover 96, and Stuttgart-Dortmund), only one of them with a team in the running.

Side note : I just flat out do not understand the German trend of having the name of the team on the back of the jersey. So many teams have the team name across the back where the player's name normally goes, and the players name under the number. I'm less annoyed when the player name is up top and the team name is down below, but I still don't understand the need for the team name.

Borussia Dortmund : UP. One of the games I was able to watch this week, won 3-1. Played well with the help of a nutty OG that started as a cross and deflected off Khalid Boulahrouz.

Werder Bremen : NO CHANGE. Beat FC Cologne 4-2 after getting stomped on by TSG Hoffenheim last week. I wish I could have watched this game since Marko Marin started, good to see them bounce back after a humiliating loss.

Bayer Leverkusen : DOWN. I may need to add Borussia Monchelgladbach after this week. Leverkusen was crushed by Monchengladbach 6-3, which is never a good thing. It might be better for Leverkusen that I didn't watch this game, but still, 6 goals is pretty bad.

Kaisersluatern : UP. Kaiserslautern is top of the league, and not just because of the alphabet. They beat FC Cologne in week 1, apparently not a difficult task, but they followed it up by knocking off Bundesliga juggernaut Bayern Munich 2-0 at home. I wish I had been able to watch this game, the highlights were pretty impressive. Kaisersluatern's first goal (Ilo Ilcevic) was awesome.

There was a Youtube video of Kaiserslautern's goals but the Bundesliga has pulled them.

VfL Wolfsburg : DOWN. Lose 3-4 to Mainz, oh and what a loss it was. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but Wolfsburg was up 3-0 at one point and managed to lose this game. Not a good sign.

Eintracht Frankfurt : NO CHANGE. Lost 1-3 to Hamburg SV. They led the game 1-0 and had a complete meltdown at the 60' mark when Hamburg drew even, eventually allowing two goals in a span of 7 minutes to close out the game.

Bundesliga : Stock Report, Week 1

Well the first weekend of the Bundesliga has passed, and my plan has partially backfired. I thought all of the games would be on ESPN3, but it looks like only one game a week will be available and if I'm lucky one will be on cable when I'm watching EPL games. This blows, but I'll do my best to catch as much as possible.

Werder Bremen : DOWN. I was not impressed at all by Werder Bremen's 4-1 beating at the hands of TSG Hoffenheim. They were rescued from complete disgust by extenuating circumstances, and I hope they don't play like this every week. Bremen lost their best player (Mesut Özil) to Real Madrid, and they played in a Champions League game a few days ago. They looked very tired and once TSG went up 2-1 they looked like they completely checked out. I wasn't impressed by anything they did, they have some work to do. Also, hideous kits, I found myself looking away in disgust a number of times.

These are so ugly, it was really hard to watch.

Borussia Dortmund : NO CHANGE. I got lucky and Dortmund played Leverkusen today. I was able to watch while Man United gave me heartburn at Craven Cottage, and I was pleasantly surprised. Dortmund lost 2-0, but they played an attacking style of football I didn't think existed outside of Bayern Munich, I'm already seeing the Bundesliga in a different light.

Bayer Leverkusen : UP. Went up a little by beating Dortmund, but I mostly enjoyed their attacking style. They could have been better with the ball, EPL teams have spoiled me, but they weren't the plodding defense first team I expected. I still feel queasy at the idea of following a team with Michael Ballack, especially one with a Chelsea-esque blue kit.

VfL Wolfsburg : NO CHANGE. Lost to Bayern Munich in a close game, didn't get to watch this one.

Eintracht Frankfurt : NO CHANGE. Lost 2-1 to Hannover 96 and their freakishly horrible kits, didn't get to watch this game. No harm in losing, unless they do it every week.

Kaisersluatern : UP. Beat FC Cologne 3-1, good sign for a recently promoted team. I didn't get to watch this game so I can't really draw any conclusions. Just nice to see they are moving in the right direction.

2010-11 EPL Picks

Top Of The League

1 - Chelsea : I can imagine a scenario where Chelsea chokes down the stretch, but they have spent so much money and return most of the team that battered the league last year. I think they win the league by at least 4 points, pad their stats with a few 7-0 wins over Championship bound teams, and feature more than one insufferably arrogant jerk.

How dare you call me insufferably arrogant!

2 - Arsenal : They have all the talent to win the league, but they managed to get their teeth kicked in by Chelsea and Manchester United last year. They still have a small lineup and will probably get pushed around by bigger squads, but they have enough offense to ignore their fragile defending. If, and I know its a big if, they get a full season of van Persie and Fábregas they should have a shot at the title.

Fábregas to Barcalona?! Fábregas to Barcalona?!

3 - Manchester United : A tough pick for half of the Sports Optimator, but last year was their "How the hell did they win the league?" chance and they blew it. Lord Ferg added a few budget players, because you need 15 strikers, and missed out on the big marquee signing you expect of United. I think United is a solid third, and quite possibly tie Arsenal for points but fall to third based on goals scored and/or goal differential.

They aren't broken, I picked you to finish 3rd.

4 - Manchester City : Comfortably out of the Top 3 but firmly in fourth. City has spent and eye watering amount of money to improve their team and should make the Champions League just based on that. Adding Yaya Touré, David Silva, and Jerome Boateng (along with 40 other guys) should be enough to put them over Spurs and floundering Liverpool.

Bottom Of The League

18 - Wigan : Newcastle should stay up, so someone has to go down, why not Wigan?

19 - West Brom : Open the season with a brutal loss to Chelsea, welcome to the Premiership.*

20 - Blackpool : The EPL equivalent of a cup of coffee, or maybe its a cup of tea over there, thanks for coming.**

*I wrote this two days ago, and they were torched 6-0 this morning.
** Beat Wigan 4-0 today, maybe they should trade places.

Bundesliga? Ya Wohl!

July 11th at about 230pm was the worst possible moment I can think of. No, not because the World Cup ended in a Spanish victory, it was the longest possible time before the next World Cup. Luckily every single day brings us closer to 2014, and the Euro Cup is waiting for me in 2012. I managed to watch every single game, the vast majority live, and aside from being able to live out one of my lesser dreams I was shocked at what a grind it was. Getting up at 3am and sitting in a bar until 2pm was surprisingly exhausting, and I think I managed to carry the bar financially during the 6am to noon doldrums. With all of that in mind you would think that I'd like to take a break from football, but you couldn't possibly be more wrong. I'm actually planning on expanding the amount of time I spend watching a bunch of millionaires kick a ball around for 90 minutes.

I recently decided that I needed to give the German Bundesliga a shot since its apparently the most watched league in Europe. I'm not really clear what that means (attendance or TV viewers), but it was enough to get me thinking about choosing a Bundesliga team to follow. I was able to eliminate one immediately, Bayern Munich, but that left me with quite a few teams to choose from. I started following all of my current teams between the ages of 13 and 18, but I never really put much thought into it beyond "I like Player X" followed by staying with the team over time. I started by asking around for suggestions and just looking over team websites, and I managed to settle on a handful of teams and some criteria for making my final decision.

These are the criteria I decided on, they are by no means final and in no particular order, and are also quite stupid.

Young Talent / Franchise Future : I'd like at least one guy to look forward to seeing for a few years. The weird thing here is that most non-Bayern teams will most likely lose their super talented youth to Bayern eventually, so the best I can hope for is a very talented guy who won't get sold off. I'm also not interested in following a team that just buys all of their players in their prime with eye watering transfer fees.

Bundesliga Tenure : This is an unfortunate requirement since I have no access to the Zweite Bundesliga, and I'm going to be pissed if I settle on a team and they promptly get relegated. I would like my team to win titles, but Manchester United has spoiled me rotten so I'm not going to require my team to win the league regularly. I'm going to be watching everything on ESPN3, so I think setting the bar at "Don't get demoted" is pretty reasonable.

Great Kits : The most ludicrous of my criteria. Being in the design profession causes me to think about these things, so I can't help it. You may laugh, but I would be pissed if I was a Chelsea fan right now. This is also complicated because most Bundesliga teams are Adidas kits, and for some reason the brain trust at Adidas decided to drop a deuce on their teams. Yes, Chelsea is supplied by Adidas.

I've settled on a starting six that I'm going to "audition" this upcoming season, hopefully one of them wins me over.

1 - Werder Bremen. These guys have an unfair advantage right now: Mesut Özil. Özil was awesome for Germany during the World Cup, so they get a Man Crush bonus with a 21 year old guy that looks like a muppet. The problem is that I wouldn't be surprised if Bayern Munich bought him before or during the season. Werder Bremen also has an interesting team history and a habit of staying in the Bundesliga. I'm also happy that they use Nike kits and the Green-Orange color scheme isn't as bad as it sounds. Sadly, this year their kit looks like a complete disaster. It looks like Nike started with Slovakia's Charlie Brown lightning bolt theme and said "How can we make this look worse?", and they nailed it. Bonus : Champions League in 2010-11.

The unintentional comedy here is through the roof, I just wish I spoke German.

2 - Bayer Leverkusen. As soon as Andrew told me that people call them Neverkusen, because they never win the league no matter how good they are, I knew they needed to be included. I have a bad habit of choosing lovable failures without knowing, so why not join the Neverkusen bandwagon? Leverkusen features midfielder Toni Kroos and striker Stefan Kiessling (21 goals), both German nationals. They have a good history of staying up, but their kits (Adidas) aren't so great. Negative : Much to my dismay they have brought back Michael Ballack, and I don't know if I can root for a former Chelsea player that I have never liked.

Something tells me I'll need alot of this.

3 - VfL Wolfsburg. These guys were in the Champions League this year and won the Bundesliga in 2008-09, but their coach left the previous season and they had a bit of a meltdown this past season. They feature the league's top scorer in Edin Dzeko (22 goals), but the big budget vultures (Man City) are circling as I type. They also suffer from Adidas kits, but I like their Green-White colors. Bonus : Just hired Steve McClaren who just won the Erdevisie title with FC Twente.

4 - Borussia Dortmund. Recommended by a friend, second least familiar with them. Nevin Subotic is most recognizable player for me, there is some kit potential here with their Yellow-Black non-Adidas look, and a good history of avoiding relegation.

5 - Eintracht Frankfurt. Another recommendation and the biggest unknown for me. They don't have a history of getting relegated, but they don't have a history of finishing top of the table either. Their roster is a giant question mark, and their top scorer had 10 goals last year. They do get points for having a decent non-Adidas kit, and their Red-Black colors go nicely with my existing loyalties.

6 - FC Kaiserslautern. This is Andrew's team, so I'm giving them a fair shot. I have no idea who their players are, and they were just promoted from the Zweite Bundesliga. They have a history of moving between the leagues, so I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about them even if they do everything right but wind up bottom of the league. Andrew has nothing but great things to say about them, well he hates their uniforms, so I'm getting some good background on them. Plus, nice to see a team from a small town do well, nothing wrong with a loyal local fan base. Bonus : Andrew's lobbying.

There must be a Zoolander joke here somewhere.

All of the fun starts August 20th, and despite all of my considerations I don't really know who I'm going to wind up with after the season. All of my experience with the Bundesliga revolves around extreme profanities, for real events and video games (FIFA 98 & 99), right around 1998-2001. I'm very interested to see if my life can weather an additional league, something crazy could happen like fostering greater respect for Michael Bradley and ending up a Borussia Mönchengladbach fan. Even if I don't enjoy the Bundesliga at least I'll walk away with some German curse words, its the least I can hope for.

World Cup Awards Ceremony

Well the 2010 World Cup is over and we have a first time winner, sadly it was not the Dutch. Spain hoisted the cup for the few fans that were able to get tickets (You may have noticed how few vuvuzelas could be heard), and the angry people watching on TV. You can't hear it, but I'm grinding my teeth right now.

FIFA has already awarded Diego Forlan the Golden Ball (Best Player) and Thomas Müller the Golden Ball (Top Scorer) and Best Young Player awards. Despite the handing out of "official" awards, we at the Sports Optimator feel that more are required. With no real rational behind them, we present our picks.

The Sports Optimator 2010 World Cup Awards

Team Of The Tournament : Spain (Teeth grinding...). Didn't look like a superpower, but managed to grind down their opponents and win games when it mattered.

Player Of The Tournament : Wesley Sneijder. This was tough, it was down to Sneijder, David Villa, and Mesut Özil. David Villa didn't snag the Golden Ball in the final and didn't really seem all that dominant. Özil looked like he was going to own the tournament, impressive considering that he didn't score much, but he looked spent against Argentina and turned into Mesut The Friendly Ghost against Spain. Sneijder gets the nod based on his overall play, not just goals and assists, and I think he meant more to the Netherlands than Müller did to Germany.

All that for nothing...

Goal Of the Tournament : Giovanni Van Bronckhorst. Absolutely the most amazing goal of the tournament, Uruguay and the rest of the world never saw it coming. This barely beats out Carlos Tevez's blast.



Coach Of the Tournament : Joachim Löw. This could have been Bert van Marwijk, but Germany wasn't getting much hype before the tournament. Löw coached the tournament's juggernaut right up to the Spain loss, its safe to say nobody saw the Germans scoring the most goals and putting up three 4 goal games.

Biggest Disappointment (Team) : France. Do I really need to explain this?

Biggest Disappointment (Player) : Fernando Torres. This could have been Lionel Messi if we had gone with Expectations vs. Performance as the decider. Messi played very well but failed to score, and Torres just... failed. He clinched the award by pulling up lame in the final and rolling around on the ground, Liverpool is kicking themselves for not selling him before the World Cup.

Worst Coach : Raymond Domenech. See Biggest Disappointment (Team).

Still doesn't understand what went wrong.

Worst Pass : Ricardo Osario. This clunker of a back pass could have doubled as the best assist of the tournament, I know Gonzalo Higuian and Argentina liked it.

Most Insufferable Arrogance : Didier Drogba. How dare you flag him offsides.

Most Enjoyable Schadenfreude : France.

Lack Of Class : Ivory Coast. The Ivory Coast ended their tournament in a 3-1 loss to Brazil, but that isn't why they get to take home this award. Once they were down, and well beaten, they resorted to childish thuggery. The worst incident was followed by theatrics and Kaka getting a second yellow. The whole scene was bad enough to knock off Italy's performance against New Zealand as #1.

World Cup Group Stages Stock Report

As this was going to press, all of the teams that were eliminated suffered a complete collapse in their stock prices and can now be found on the pink sheets, but the more significant teams had to be included because their downfall was so complete that it can't be ignored.

Apple

1 - Argentina. It pains me to type this, but they look very dangerous. Even with an egomaniac at the helm they managed to come together and play very well without relying on Messi. If they were on the same region of the bracket as the US I'd say they were a lock to make the finals, but they will have to go through Germany (Yes, I think England will lose) and a back-to-life Spain. Cokehead vs. Chokesters may decide who gets to the final.

Get a room.

2 - Holland. The Dutch are one stupid Rafael Van Der Vaart handball from shutting out all of their opponents. They didn't have a very strong group, but they won all three games (joining Argentina as the only 3-0 teams) mostly without the help of Arjen Robben. They look good, seem vulnerable to counter-attacks, and have the fortune of being on the "easiest" side of the bracket. The best team they could face is Brazil, no easy task, but the reward for beating them would be the winner of the Urugauy/US/Ghana/South Korea pillow-fight bracket. I know, I'm being harsh on Uruguay.

3 - North & South America. The Americas handed out a serious ass whuppin' this year with 7 of 8 teams advancing and a whopping 4 group winners. Everyone expected Brazil and Argentina to win their groups, but the emergence of Uruguay and, to a lesser extent, the USA, were pleasant surprises. I would love to be wrong here, but we could see an all America final. One side of the bracket "should" feature three (Brazil, Uruguay, USA) teams. Way to go continents!

4 - Messi Apologists. With no goals to fawn over the comments quickly shifted to how great he is despite the lack of a Messianic (Ahh, see what I did there?) performance. To be fair, he did create 3 goals, and is one of the few players to keep some nasty free kicks below the crossbar, and in one case right on it.

British Petroleum

1 - France. The most complete implosion I can possibly imagine short of getting into a fight with themselves during a game or physically turning into a black hole and destroying all life on earth. They looked like complete shit on the field, they came in with a sex scandal, they fought on the training field (when they weren't protesting), their clown of a coach sent someone home, and South Africa sent them packing in their final game. Not much else to say; they deserved to be eliminated on so many levels.

The only person still confused about France's early exit.

2 - Africa. No, not the continent, the teams. 5 of 6 teams failed to leave the group stage including the feisty host who went out with a bang against France. I'm impressed with the passion for the game seen throughout the World Cup, so its a little sad to see no local teams to cheer on aside from Ghana.

3 - Messi Fanboys. No goals, and I'm sure people were expecting 4 a game all from 50 yards out or after running through 10 defenders. Even Ronaldo has scored, so all of the Messi-Maradona comparisons seem overblown so far. He hasn't owned the tournament, let alone a single game, so maybe teams have been planning around him. Who knows, maybe he will rise up against Mexico and Germany (Shit, did I just jinx the Germans?!).

4 - Kim Jong Il / North Korea. After they parked the bus so well against Brazil, the glorious leader's secret commands couldn't save them from the first bona fide ass kicking of the tournament. I would have to look at the tape again, but I think even Figo managed to score in that one - definitely not what Kim Jong Il had planned... or was it? That devilish bastard. To make things worse, they were thumped by the Ivory Coast 3-0 this morning; at least they held Portugal's massive goal differential to keep Drogba out of the second round.

You are going to need two more fingers for the Portugal result.

There were a lot more topics, but I don't want to bludgeon you with complaints. Just barely missing the cut were Officials (Blind?), Ivory Coast (Thuggish against Brazil), and the USA (Winning England's group!). I'll close this report with a few words about our original predictions.

I Told You So!

Australia. See, the Sports Optimator isn't wrong about everything. The media's favorite underdog was just that, a dog, and failed to surprise anyone but Serbia. They did manage to suffer from two redcards, both going to their best players, so they could have done a little better, but probably not much.

Ronaldo. Ok, I was half right. He didn't do much aside from producing a frightening free kick and scoring the goofiest goal of the tournament in a 7-0 blasting of North Korea. Portugal managed to find life working around his black hole style of possession; sadly, this robbed us from his repertoire of diving theatrics and tears. I'm patiently waiting for him to guide a knock-out round implosion.

I Was Misquoted...

France & Italy. I was so confident they were just good enough to win their groups despite all of their problems, and I couldn't be happier to have been proven wrong. Both teams played like crap and never really looked like they wanted to move on. Italy only showed some life at the end of their 3-2 loss to Slovakia. And, it couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch of guys. My biggest fear now is that the curse of the Optimator is going to finish the job. I really should have been more down on Holland and higher on Argentina.

World Cup Stock Reports & Corrections

I would like to kill two birds with one stone here by making some snarky comments about the first round and apologizing for totally botching the knockout phase of the World Cup in our predictions article. Apparently I was drinking before the tournament even started. It wouldn’t be a Sports Optimator post if we didn’t mess up or jinx someone (Spain), so let’s get to those stock reports.

Rising Stock

1 – Germany. Yes the Aussies managed to draw a bogus red card, but Germany was already up 2-0 at that point which would have been one of the best results in the first round. The fact that they added two more made it look worse, but for me the thing that impressed me most is their creative attacking style. I was looking for a plodding German side that would just wear down their opposition much like Italy, but they looked exciting and very dangerous. This game also planted the seeds for a new Man Crush in Mesut Özil, and who doesn’t like saying Schweinsteiger?

Mesut Özil; turning the page on the Ballack era one creative pass at a time.

2 – Holland. The Dutch join Germany as the only favorite to handle their opener well with a 2-0 win over the Nicklas Bendtner lead Danish. You can’t hear me, but I’m laughing about the last part of the previous sentence, although Bendtner nearly scored an awesome header. Nearly. The Dutch looked vulnerable to counter attacks, but even without Arjen Robben starting they managed to appear explosive and aggressive with the ball. I would be happier with 2-0 if the Danes tried to attack, which leads me to the next riser…

3 – Parking The Bus. I know there are a lot of teams out there that just cannot compete with the more talented teams. If everyone used an attacking game plan we would see a bunch of 6-1 score lines and humiliated fans. With that in mind, a number of teams have adopted a super defensive scheme that looks an awful lot like being balled up in the fetal position. Despite the boredom of watching the favorites dribble into a brick wall, it works very well and has slowed or toppled a number of teams in the first round. The most notable failure so far is Spain, the favorite to win it all, who were felled by Switzerland’s 25-0-0 formation and some shady defending. North Korea also managed to pull off an “upset” by losing to Brazil 2-1, and I was worried it would be 6-0. Their only goal gave Kim Jong Il the footage his propaganda machine needs to make it look like they weren’t manhandled for 99.9% of the game.

Plunging Stock

1 – Spain. I know, I picked them to win it all. They are so talented, but losing to the Swiss after dominating that game will no doubt cause some panic. They are by no means finished, if they win the next two they advance, but this doesn’t look good. Spain is the only top team to lose to the Parked Bus formation, but Cesc Fàbregas didn’t play and they showed a bit a disconnect between the midfield and forwards. If I see one more team dribble up the middle of the field and try to pass a ball through 8 defenders I’m going to puke.

2 – France. The French looked horrible and managed one of the most boring 0-0 draws I’ve ever seen. From what I saw the French are good at two things; blaming their performance on the vuvuzelas, and letting Yoann Gourcouff shoot from 40 yards out and look confused about sending the ball 15 yards over the goal. I have no idea what they were doing, they looked very uninterested in winning their game and it showed. Despite their talent they could be an easy out if they advance.

3 – Portugal. Another 0-0 draw that featured a boring superpower. Ivory Coast didn’t start their best player, Didier Drogba, but Portugal couldn’t do anything with the opportunity. Cristiano Ronaldo also failed to do anything, as I predicted, aside from rattle the woodwork with what could easily have been the goal of the tournament. I was close to making #3 “Passive Top Seeds” since the first round featured so many top seeds that looked like they were playing for a draw. Had Portugal won this game they would no doubt have been in a great position to advance, but now they are in a bad position and will have to beat North Korea and pray for a draw with Brazil.

Prediction Revisions

I know I have the advantage of watching the first round, but since I messed up the bracket some of the match ups changed. Once again, my bad, this was me being an idiot. I’d hate to disappoint our reader. Not included in the stock report above is France's 2nd round stinker (2-0 loss) to Mexico, so all of my confidence in them has left the building.

I have no doubt this will not come true, a Brazil-Argentina final is likely.

Sorry about the size, blogspot strikes again. The biggest change is that I have Holland winning it all, but I can see Germany winning it just as easily. I'd like to see Holland purge the demons of '98 and '74 all in one tournament.