World Cup Group Stages Stock Report

As this was going to press, all of the teams that were eliminated suffered a complete collapse in their stock prices and can now be found on the pink sheets, but the more significant teams had to be included because their downfall was so complete that it can't be ignored.

Apple

1 - Argentina. It pains me to type this, but they look very dangerous. Even with an egomaniac at the helm they managed to come together and play very well without relying on Messi. If they were on the same region of the bracket as the US I'd say they were a lock to make the finals, but they will have to go through Germany (Yes, I think England will lose) and a back-to-life Spain. Cokehead vs. Chokesters may decide who gets to the final.

Get a room.

2 - Holland. The Dutch are one stupid Rafael Van Der Vaart handball from shutting out all of their opponents. They didn't have a very strong group, but they won all three games (joining Argentina as the only 3-0 teams) mostly without the help of Arjen Robben. They look good, seem vulnerable to counter-attacks, and have the fortune of being on the "easiest" side of the bracket. The best team they could face is Brazil, no easy task, but the reward for beating them would be the winner of the Urugauy/US/Ghana/South Korea pillow-fight bracket. I know, I'm being harsh on Uruguay.

3 - North & South America. The Americas handed out a serious ass whuppin' this year with 7 of 8 teams advancing and a whopping 4 group winners. Everyone expected Brazil and Argentina to win their groups, but the emergence of Uruguay and, to a lesser extent, the USA, were pleasant surprises. I would love to be wrong here, but we could see an all America final. One side of the bracket "should" feature three (Brazil, Uruguay, USA) teams. Way to go continents!

4 - Messi Apologists. With no goals to fawn over the comments quickly shifted to how great he is despite the lack of a Messianic (Ahh, see what I did there?) performance. To be fair, he did create 3 goals, and is one of the few players to keep some nasty free kicks below the crossbar, and in one case right on it.

British Petroleum

1 - France. The most complete implosion I can possibly imagine short of getting into a fight with themselves during a game or physically turning into a black hole and destroying all life on earth. They looked like complete shit on the field, they came in with a sex scandal, they fought on the training field (when they weren't protesting), their clown of a coach sent someone home, and South Africa sent them packing in their final game. Not much else to say; they deserved to be eliminated on so many levels.

The only person still confused about France's early exit.

2 - Africa. No, not the continent, the teams. 5 of 6 teams failed to leave the group stage including the feisty host who went out with a bang against France. I'm impressed with the passion for the game seen throughout the World Cup, so its a little sad to see no local teams to cheer on aside from Ghana.

3 - Messi Fanboys. No goals, and I'm sure people were expecting 4 a game all from 50 yards out or after running through 10 defenders. Even Ronaldo has scored, so all of the Messi-Maradona comparisons seem overblown so far. He hasn't owned the tournament, let alone a single game, so maybe teams have been planning around him. Who knows, maybe he will rise up against Mexico and Germany (Shit, did I just jinx the Germans?!).

4 - Kim Jong Il / North Korea. After they parked the bus so well against Brazil, the glorious leader's secret commands couldn't save them from the first bona fide ass kicking of the tournament. I would have to look at the tape again, but I think even Figo managed to score in that one - definitely not what Kim Jong Il had planned... or was it? That devilish bastard. To make things worse, they were thumped by the Ivory Coast 3-0 this morning; at least they held Portugal's massive goal differential to keep Drogba out of the second round.

You are going to need two more fingers for the Portugal result.

There were a lot more topics, but I don't want to bludgeon you with complaints. Just barely missing the cut were Officials (Blind?), Ivory Coast (Thuggish against Brazil), and the USA (Winning England's group!). I'll close this report with a few words about our original predictions.

I Told You So!

Australia. See, the Sports Optimator isn't wrong about everything. The media's favorite underdog was just that, a dog, and failed to surprise anyone but Serbia. They did manage to suffer from two redcards, both going to their best players, so they could have done a little better, but probably not much.

Ronaldo. Ok, I was half right. He didn't do much aside from producing a frightening free kick and scoring the goofiest goal of the tournament in a 7-0 blasting of North Korea. Portugal managed to find life working around his black hole style of possession; sadly, this robbed us from his repertoire of diving theatrics and tears. I'm patiently waiting for him to guide a knock-out round implosion.

I Was Misquoted...

France & Italy. I was so confident they were just good enough to win their groups despite all of their problems, and I couldn't be happier to have been proven wrong. Both teams played like crap and never really looked like they wanted to move on. Italy only showed some life at the end of their 3-2 loss to Slovakia. And, it couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch of guys. My biggest fear now is that the curse of the Optimator is going to finish the job. I really should have been more down on Holland and higher on Argentina.