FOX News Optimator : Heisman Voters, What Are You Smoking?

I need to be upfront about something before I move on. As a fan I couldn't be happier that a Stanfurd player AND Colt McCoy didn't win the Heisman. As a rational human being, I am completely and utterly confused.

First of all, it was somewhat clear that Colt McCoy was out of the running for the Heisman after he wet the bed against Nebraska. McCoy and Texas were literally one second away from out-choking Nebraska in the Big 12 Championship, and Colt did little if nothing to lift his team to victory. All season the liberal east coast media has been stuffing McCoy down our throats along with Tim Tebow as the "obvious" Heisman favorite. Apparently feasting on one of the most overrated conferences in the NCAA, where nobody but Texas has anything resembling a defense, is the biggest factor int he Heisman vote. Luckily the east coast bias failed this year, and the talking heads didn't get their man... or so it seems.

The real injustice lies in the snub of the real obvious pick; Toby Gerhart. Gerhart lead all FBS teams in rushing (1736 yards) and TD's (26) with one less game than Ingram. To pour more salt on the wound, Gerhart won the Doak Walker Award for the best HB of 2009. This would make Gerhart an obvious pick over Mark Ingram, since Ingram is also a HB. How another HB could be better is beyond me, but I'm not a part of the liberal conspiracy holding down the west coast.

The next issue is VORP (Value Over Replacement Player), which is used in baseball but I'm going to use it in a non-statistical analysis. If Ingram were not at Alabama, would they still be 13-0 and playing for the National Title? Now consider Stanfurd, without Gerhart would the still be 8-4? Do they beat Oregon, USC, or an overrated Notre dame without their only offensive weapon? Do they even go 4-8? I think there is no doubt a Stanfurd team without Gerhart is a completely different squad, but the Heisman voters didn't seem to take this into consideration.

You know what, maybe it was this photo that swayed the voters.

The final problem, and deathblow to Gerhart's chances, is the conspiracy to televise Heisman "favorites" and relegate challengers to regional television. The media has fallen all over itself this season to make sure people get to see Tebow, McCoy, and Ingram as much as possible. Stanfurd is a smaller program, lacking tradition and class, so the media chose to ignore Gerhart accept for instances when they couldn't ignore his accomplishments. This is made obvious by how close the final vote was, as if Gerhart can go home feeling happy he was a loser by the smallest margin in history, and things might have turned out differently if they hadn't forced Alabama/Florida/Texas games on regions that are key to the vote.

I doubt 2010 will be much different, but with Kellen Moore, LaMichael James, and Jacquizz Rodgers out there maybe the west coast will have a chance next year. Sadly Mark Ingram is a sophmore, so much like Tim Tebow we will no doubt be treated to 1-2 more years of being beaten over the head by his "obvious" dominance.

Tiger Woods Joke of the Day

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?  Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.   

Tiger Woods' Driveway Accuracy: Poor At Best

The liberal media is at it again, and this week the target for character assassination is the beloved Tiger Woods. This is a classic case of the media making a huge deal out of nothing and raking Tiger Woods' reputation over the coals to drive up ratings and sales. So far the only thing we know for sure is that Woods backed out of his driveway at 230am (apparently a crime) hit a fire hydrant and crashed into a tree (also apparently a crime) and his wife smashed a window of his car with a golf club (the only funny thing about this story, seems like that would be a huge faux pas in that family) to help him out of the car. The whole incident seemed to flip quickly from concern to conspiracy once he was released from the hospital and his injuries weren't as serious as previously thought. The conspiracy is now in full swing as the Godless liberal tabloids (TMZ, etc.) are going out of their way to create speculation as to the cause of Tiger's errant trip down his driveway. Tiger Woods should be left alone. What he does in the semi-privacy of his own driveway is his business, and it should stay that way. The way the media has been executing their smear campaign you would think he showed up to a tournament with heroine needles hanging out of his arm and crack whores in tow.

The Sports Optimator Salutes FOX News

The Sports Optimator is working hard to cover the world of sports and sports related stories, and like most writers we are heavily influenced by the best. We thought about the best ways to instill our opinions with integrity and report only the most reputable stories, and it didn't take long for us to come up with some names synonymous with great journalism; Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, etc. With this in mind we are proud to announce that the month of December is going to be FOX News month at the Sports Optimator. All month we are going to report from the world of sports in a style that really speaks to the heart of America, so start thumping your bibles and draw a Hitler moustache on Obama with a sharpie!

We know its not Obama, but I think you get the point (especially if you are an Irish fan).

Nike Craps On Rivalry Week, Extends Dominance Over Good Design

Today is a dark day for college football, no not because its Tim Tebow's last home game. Nike decided to ruin the nation's retinas with an display of bad design and tasteless marketing that makes me wonder if Satan is running the show. I have seen grumblings about an experimental Nike design featuring a spirograph-like design element floating around the web, but all accounts of the design seemed to make it seem like it had (thankfully) been shelved. Looks like Nike had us all fooled as Florida took the field in the above mentioned spirograph design during its game against Florida State, and successfully looked like the aborted love child of their retro uniforms. This has of course come with official jargon to try and rationalize the new Pro Combat design, but it doesn't take a genius to see these are just flat out ugly. The sad thing is that things could have been even worse! Perhaps some sanity caused Florida State to hold back on their own uniform disasters which are also part of the Pro Combat apocalypse.

Not content with ruining just one game, another set of bewildering designs were unvieled during the Miami-USF and Virginia Tech-Virginia games. These uniforms have multi-colored numbers, and in the case of Virginia Tech show us why gradients aren't seen very often.

You might be shaking your head right now, but wait, there is more! The Big 12 North is probably tired of getting passed over by the media, so Missouri has gone to great lengths to make you forget all about Florida by coming out in the ugliest Pro Combat uniform set and sticking it to common sense. I nearly confused them with Army's camo set, but these are much worse.

Shame on Nike, Miami, Florida, Virginia Tech, and Mizzou for turning a game into a marketing spectacle. My biggest fear is that the Oregon crew will see this as a challenge to their ugliest-uniform title and try to top it next year, and Cal (Nike uniforms) will come out with some version of the Pro Combat set that will force me gouge my eyes out.

Correction: God really, really hates Arsenal

Anyone that harbored any hope of enjoying watching the Arsenal hoist a trophy this year must now place all their faith in the Ewing Theory, a glimmer of hope that might've applied last year when it seemed that Van Persie often featured prominently in Arsenal's losses in the wrong way, with errant shots on gaping goals, but this year he has deserved all the praise coming his way, and I fear the season has been lost.  We shall see.  Of course there is always the transfer window, and Gooners are no doubt re-writing their wish lists as I write this. 

Don't worry, Ireland, God hates Arsenal, too.

How do I know this?  Because, in rapid succession, Van Persie; the collective Arsenal; and Kieran Gibbs; were all smitten by the vengeful hand of God that took the form of Giorgio Chiellini, Darren Bent, and Eliaquim Mangala (and, by extension, Konrad Plautz).  This all took place in the span of a fortnight, which must be some sort of number that displeases God.

First off was the inexplicable injury suffered by Van Persie in a friendly against Italy.



Why in God's name do they even play these things?  Because as often as people cite ManU's depth as one of the main reasons for their consistent dominance (i.e., footballers get hurt... a LOT), you'd think the powers that be would want to limit the number of meaningless opportunities for someone to rush off to the Balkans for some horse placenta (as an aside, as weird as this seems at first glance, it's quite brilliant in theory, since placentas are full of regenerative cells - don't believe me? - just ask Andrea Sooch!).  In all seriousness, that was a really stupid and reckless tackle, as Chiellini basically hacked down on Van Persie's ankle, and I'm surprised Van Persie wasn't as indignant as Kuyt afterwards.

Then, just to prove how important Van Persie is to Arsenal's attack, God allowed Darren Bent to do them in, in the first game of the season that Arsenal's opposition has not conceded.  This wasn't Boring, Boring Arsenal, but it was the sort of defeat that Gooners have come to expect over the last few years - the 1-0 defeat on the road to a team far inferior on paper, although in this case, the feeling of dread which grew as the game drew nearer was more logical, based on Sunderland's efforts this season against Liverpool and ManU.

Perhaps with the Old Testament God in mind, Emmanuel Eboue showed up to the pitch last night wearing his Blessed Be God Forever t-shirt.  Despite this and Eboue's penchant for bad dives, bad tackles, and bad passing not being on display, God remained displeased with the Arsenal, and he spoke through Konrad Plautz, who, in his piety, allowed Eliaquim Mangala to remain on the pitch even after his second dangerous tackle of the day (on the excellent-as-always Alex Song).  This oversight led to this fateful encounter between Mangala and Gibbs:

                                Photograph: Nick Potts/PA


Notice how the ball is nowhere near Gibbs' foot when Mangala comes charging into the area like a 15-year-old into his girlfriend's pants.  Stupid.  Almost as stupid as Wenger having anyone from the first-team out there at all while this almost meaningless game's embers faded.  So, after Gibbs had stepped in so admirably to replace the ever-relevant Clichy, perhaps even outplaying his senior, God's retribution was swift and cruel as He felled the left-back with a broken metatarsal for three months.

It should be noted that Gallas and Arshavin were excruciated during the tie against Liege, as well, as God guided Arshavin's skull into Gallas' eye-socket (and, seconds later, a Vermaelen laser right into Arshavin's unwitting and already-bloodied head), and Gallas may indeed miss Sunday's crucial match against Chelsea, leaving Arsenal's defense, no longer whole, horribly exposed.

All this misery should come as no surprise, really, as Divinity's unforgiving treatment of the Arsenal and its fans started long ago, really, when its proud, noble, and beautiful heraldic crest

 was laid to waste, utterly, by the current abomination that I am loathe to sully my pages with.

When this happened, many Gooners probably supplicated on bended knee, crying out "Why, God, why?!," and, indeed, I would pray to God in genuflection that He would smite this unholy thing from before mine eyes, if I thought He would hear me. 

I know better, though, so instead, for today's benediction, let us listen to the Psalm of St. Victor, who, in the midst of his martyrdom, proclaimed that "the Lord was a rotten Bastard."  Amen.