Fantasy Baseball 2011 - 70 Games Down

I doubt anyone cares, I certainly didn't, but you may have noticed that I skipped a few entries. I've spent the past few weeks questioning my will to live, well not really, just my will to go on managing my team. As far as I'm concerned Andrew and I have been eliminated as possible champs, so all we can do is squabble over finishing in the money.

Andrew has fallen farther in the standings and the gap between him and #1 is probably the biggest its been all season. The team in first, who thankfully deposed the benefactor of Trade Gate, has 65 points and Andrew sits at 6th with 48. His problem is clear; hitting. Offensively the Teabaggers aren't hitting aside from Joey Votto, Brian McCann, and Lance Berkman. If you ever talk to Andrew he will gladly give you lecture about how Dan Uggla, Shin-Soo Choo, Kasey McGehee, Billy Butler, and Jason Bay are killing his team. I actually get up on a daily basis and thank the Baseball Gods that Uggla and his .177 average isn't on my team, and it makes it even worse that he has only hit 8HR and driven in 18RBI. At least Andrew's pitching staff remains awesome, so awesome that if it were mine I would be in first.

Seriously, who knew Jason Bay would suck?

My team is currently in the middle of a catastrophic free fall, which I should have known was coming. I'm losing players left and Wright (oh, that was so clever), and my roster is such a fucking mess with regards to position eligibility. If David Wright isn't done for the season and comes off the DL I think my roster will literally burst into flames. I've got Wright, Matt Holliday, Brett Anderson (probably also done for the season), and (gleefully) Derek Jeter on the DL. Add in Mike "I just got sent down to the minors" Aviles and I'm just sick and tired of losing games/at bats.

Killing me slowly (Shown in order of how much I hate them.)

The only upside to my current situation is that I've still got the best offense in the league. I spent most of my draft capital on hitting, so I'm happy things are working out, but my fingers-crossed pitching strategy has produced the 7th best staff... not good. I managed to snag Ryan Vogelsong for Brett Anderson, and I made a deal with the roster devil to get Eric Hosmer for Aviles. So my season is now riding on two youngsters that are all potential. I'm going to go throw up now.

The (frighteningly) young faces of hope.

Current Status
Bert - Nothing is fucked?! The God damn plane has crashed into the mountain!
Andrew - Nothing is fucked?! The God damn plane has crashed into the mountain!

Fantasy Baseball 2011 - 40 Games Down

Oh the mighty Baseball Gods have not been kind these past few weeks. They shower us with gifts and then kick us in the teeth, but it hurts so good. There hasn't been too much change in the overall standings as I float between first and second, and Andrew remains mired in fifth. Unfortunately the benefactor of the dubious trade has climbed into third, and I couldn't be more upset.

Based on some of our conversations I'm not sure if Andrew will live past the end of May. I've been trying to tell him the season is just 1/4th over, but his standards of play are so high it might as well be October. Andrew just got Victor Martinez off and Zach Greinke off the DL, so he should have some hitting and pitching help on the way. I don't think it matters since he hit the lottery with the free agent additions of Michael Pineda (5-2, 52K, 2.45ERA, 1.01WHIP) and the streaking Anibal Sanchez, but Andrew lost Dallas Braden for the season. His deep pitching staff is struggling, headed by his beloved Chris Carpenter (1-4, 4.88ERA), and the now-mortal Jered Weaver and Dan Haren. His hitting has slowed as well, but with a number of studs having bad starts (Dan Uggla, Shin-Soo Choo, Billy Butler) he should be in for an upswing. If it weren't for Jose Bautista's monstrous start he would have the best player in baseball, Joey Votto, so he shouldn't be in 5th for too long.

Maybe next year.

I can't complain all that much since I've stayed in the Top 3 all year, but I actually have a serious problem brewing. David Wright's season is over, well, they haven't said that yet but I'm assuming it is. Wright has been diagnosed with a stress fracture in his back, which I read as "broken back" followed by cursing at the Baseball Gods. This is just like last season when I lost Kevin Youkilis, a four stat stud, but this time its a five stat stud. This all comes off the merry-go-round I have at 2B/SS, which is causing me heartburn. I (finally) dropped Sean Rodriguez, simply because he wasn't starting, and added Mike Aviles only to see him drop into the role of a spot starter. I assumed Aviles would be a starter, since he is listed as one on the Royals depth chart, but he seems to start every other game.

I was too lazy to photoshop in Rodriguez and Aviles, but you get the idea.

At least I can pat myself on the back a little over the Roy Oswalt DL situation. I knew Oswalt would only be out a week, so I managed to avoid the temptation of adding Alexi Ogando or Zach Britton. Ogando and Britton would only start once that week, also because of our waiver rules when Oswalt came back I would make those two available to the rest of the league, so I went for Jhoulys Chacin of the Rockies. Chacin is currently leading the Rockies in Wins, Ks, and ERA, plus he had two starts that week away from Coors Field. In both starts (Padres and Mets) he faced toothless teams in pitchers parks and went 1-0 with 11K, 4ER, and 8BB in 12IP, not bad. In that same week Ogando (1-0, 5K, ER, BB) and Britton (5K CG Shutout) both pitched well, so at least I didn't serve them up for everyone else. Not the league-winning stroke of managerial genius I had hoped for, but at least I made the right choice.

Its pronounced "Yo-lease"

Current Status
Bert - There's no ransom if you don't have a fucking hostage. That's what ransom is. Those are the fucking rules.
Andrew - Nothing is fucked?! The God damn plane has crashed into the mountain!

Fantasy Baseball 2011 - 30 Games Down

What the Baseball Gods giveth, the Baseball Gods taketh away. Thus is the tale of the past week, and luckily they took a little bit more away from Andrew than they did from me. I have to admit that is a short term view of the situation, but I'm feeling a little better about the long term.

From the ashes of my riskiest selections rise two pitching performances to put me at ease for a few days. First Max Scherzer showed why people have been so high on him by tossing a gem (8IP, 4H, BB, 9K and the W), and then Yovani Gallardo tried to prove to me that he isn't shit by just barely missing a no-no (8IP, H, 4BB, 6K and a much needed W) and extending his stay on my team. Also, it makes me a little sick to say it, but... Derek Jeter finally had a great day. I feel dirty. He went 4/6 with 2HR, raising his season total to 2 and making me hate him just a little bit less.

I did not photoshop his eyes. He actually has two different color eyes.

These things were nice, but I have my share of pain on the way. After dicking around with Carlos Ruiz for a week the Phillies finally put him on the DL, so I'll finally get a warm body in at Catcher. I'm also facing another week, and possibly more, without Roy Oswalt. Oswalt took off a week to attend to his family in Mississippi, which is fine, but now he is headed for the DL with back problems. I'm not looking forward to playing the DL game, but as long as its not my best players I'm ok.

Andrew has not had a good week. Jered Weaver proved to be mortal in a loss to Boston, and then followed that up with a loss to Cleveland. Weaver allowed 7 runs in two games after only allowing 5 in his first six (all wins), not to mention only six strikeouts (0 against Cleveland). Weaver's ERA has exploded, going from .99 to a humiliating 1.87, and his spot in the Angels rotation is at risk. If he allows any more runs he could get sent down to AAA before the end of May. In actuality that is the worst thing to happen aside from falling to 5th in the standings, which is the equivalent of death to him. Lance Berkman continues to destroy the league, he added the studly Michael Pineda and Brandon Beachy (DL add for Dallas Braden) who are pitching like Aces, Dan Haren is back to being Dan Haren, and Joey Votto continues his campaign to knock off Albert Pujols as baseball's top player.

Current Status
Bert - Well they can fucking unpost it!
Andrew - Nothing is fucked?! The God damn plane has crashed into the mountain!

Fantasy Baseball 2011 - 20 Games Down

Ah, what a season so far. Nothing earth shattering has happened, but at the current rate Andrew and I might be very pleased by the end of the season. We had our first trade of the season in the league, and Andrew and I are still trying to get over how bad it was. You can't have a good season without some controversy.

Andrew is busy at the moment building a monument to Jered Weaver. Weaver is 6-0 in 6 starts with 49K, an ERA of .99, and a .79 WHIP. You might say that he is having a good start to the season, and I would say that I'm annoyed that I wasn't more aggressive in bidding for him.

For the Baseball Gods so loved the world...

I wish I has someone to harp about on my team, but with Matt Kemp coming down to earth a bit I'm stuck just hoping Yovani Gallardo and Max Scherzer don't screw me over on a weekly basis. In the time it took me to start this post and get to this sentence Scherzer went from 5 shutout innings and 7K to 7IP and 5ER. Its going to be a long season for me... again. At least Matt Holliday is hitting .423 and looking fatter than ever.

Now for the trade. It was bad, it started out much worse, but after a league wide outcry it was watered down from complete shit to just flat our crap. The first form of the trade was Tim Lincecum and Wandy Rodriguez for Francisco Liriano and Gavin Floyd. Why you would give up Lincecum for a shit sandwich is beyond me, and we blocked it. Sadly it came back and was begrudgingly approved as Lincecum, Rodriguez, and Joba Chamberlain for Liriano, Floyd, and Ricky Nolasco. So now one team has Roy Halladay, Tim Lincecum, Clayton Kershaw, and Justin Verlander. This trade makes no sense no matter how I look at it.

Current Status
Bert - That rug really tied the room together, did it not?
Andrew - Way to go Donny!

Fantasy Baseball 2011 - 10 Games Down

The season is well under way, and I'm going to try and make this short. I'd love to spend alot of time rehashing the first 10 games, but there are 152 left and its useless to freak out. If you had told me that Team A would be 10-4 and Team B would be 3-10 to start the season, and asked me to predict their seasons I would stare at you blankly. Just for the record, Team A is the Kansas City Royals and Team B is the Boston Red Sox. Do we really think KC will be that much better than Boston? No, lets all relax.

After a draft day meltdown Andrew is feeling much better. With the way Jered Weaver, Dan Haren, and Tommy Hanson have started the season he could be feeling good for a while. Hanson has been pretty good, but Weaver and Haren have won 6 of their 7 combined starts. Andrew is so lucky that Haren actually picked up a win in an epic 14 inning game where he came in and pitched a single inning. Weaver currently leads the majors in K's, so things are looking up for the defending champ. Andrew's biggest concern is Matt Thornton, who just can't save a game to save his life. The guy blew four consecutive saves, and may not get another chance.

Looks like one apple fell really far from the tree.

I'm trying to relax, but I have two very serious concerns on my team. I am getting murdered by Sean Rodriguez and Ben Zobrist of the Rays. Both guys are hitting under .200, and Rodriguez has been displaced by flavor-of-the-month Sam Fuld. If that wasn't bad enough Fuld went to Stanfurd! I'm even more annoyed because I have been firmly perched in the Top 3 (enjoying some time at the top) despite these clowns. My team would be awesome without them, but whatever. My team is freakishly piling up walks and my "worst buy", Matt Kemp, is fucking destroying the league. Kemp is hitting .440 at the moment, his 8 SB are leading the majors, and he looks to be on track for a 20+ homer season. I realize these will change, at this pace he would steal 86 bases, but its nice to have someone playing well.

Apparently breaking up with Rihanna makes you hit over .400

Current Status
Bert - The Dude abides.
Andrew - No, he's a sex offender. With a record.

Fantasy Baseball 2011 - Draft Autopsy

We have waited patiently for months, endured annoying Giants fans, reviewed our strategies, re-reviewed, compiled our spreadsheets, and now the wait is over. It's fantasy baseball season at the Sports Optimator, and as the first week of games goes by, it's time for the post draft autopsy. This year the draft was held after opening day, so we spent three days trying not to freak out about horrible starts (Jon Lester anyone?) and hot bats (Nelson Cruz, Ian Kinsler, anyone facing Boston...), which was not easy. In the end, neither of us got the team we planned for, but that may be a good thing for some, and not for others.

The Draft
Bert - I have a boring and fairly conservative draft strategy that changed a little this year. I'm not concerned with landing the best player, but this year I was very concerned with landing a top SS and 3B. The weakest positions this year are SS, 3B, and 2B, so if you don't get one of the top 2-3, it's a long way to the bottom. The top 2B's aren't nearly as good as SS (Hanley Ramirez, Troy Tulowitzki) or 3B (Evan Longoria, David Wright, Ryan Zimmerman) so I decided that I would come out with one of each or die trying. I retained my deep love for 20-20 players, mostly outfielders this year, and I didn't want to spend more than $1 on catchers or closers. I really, really, really wanted Prince Fielder this year. Fielder was #1 in BB (111) last year, he is 27 (statistically players tend to peak at 27) and it's a contract year, so he should have a monster season. I also decided not to spend money on a Top 5 pitcher and roll the dice with mid-range affordable arms, since pitching is so random and always screws me over. My draft calling card is feasting on mid-range players when everyone else has spent way too much for the top players; very dependable and low-risk, but lacks upside.

Andrew - I could delve into my draft strategy, but then I'd have to kill Bert. Oh, Bert knows all about my Teutonic devotion to value, and he knows about the great site, Last Player Picked, which I mostly rely on for said values, but one component of my draft preparation remains shrouded in secrecy. Just to live up to my reputation for insufferable arrogance, though, because I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone, I will say that since I implemented it two years ago it hasn't let me down. Two years, two championships. And, running counter to my actual (horrendous) start, and despite gifting Bert a few players, my projections have me finishing first again. Mwuahahahaa.

As an aside, I'm thinking Furor Teutonicus might be a good name for my team next year.

The Aftermath
Bert - Well, I almost completely abandoned my top priorities but it all worked out in the end. I think. Han-Ram and Tulo went for a lot; I wasn't willing to go much over $30 for Tulo and he went for $34, so I basically walked away from SS. Then my 2B target, Dustin Pedrioa, went for $24, which was basically $4 more than I was willing to pay for a 2B not named Dan Uggla. The draft Gods smiled upon me, though, when I was able to snag David Wright for $29, but then they cursed me by letting me get Matt Kemp for $28. I completely folded on Prince Fielder, and that is when the panic set in. Fielder went for $29, way more than I thought, and I just couldn't go to $30. No Tulo, no Fielder, and my only pitcher at this point was Yovani Gallardo. With a whole bunch of money left I was able to get Matt Holliday for a discount (appendectomies rule) and hoard 20-20 outfielders. I missed out on Cole Hamels, who went for $23, but I fell ass-backwards into Max Scherzer for $9. I was also able to take advantage of Andrew's late draft cash problems and walk away with Matt Cain ($15), Brett Anderson ($9), Johnathan Sanchez ($11), and Gio Gonzalez ($8). I must credit Andrew with a purchase I didn't plan to make; Carlos Santana. I avoided spending more than $30 on a player, and went with a budget pitching staff, so when Santana could be had for $12, Andrew goaded me into it. With the depth at 2B/SS I decided to invest in a catcher and pay $1 for a warm body at the end of the draft. After having a heart attack to start the draft, I finished with a team that should finish in the Top 3.

C - Carlos Santana (CLE)
C - Carlos Ruiz (PHI)
1B - Kevin Youkilis (BOS)
2B - Ben Zobrist (TB)
SS - Derek Jeter (NYY, may the baseball gods forgive me...)
3B - David Wright (NYM)
OF - Matt Kemp (LAD)
OF - Matt Holliday (STL)
OF - Alex Rios (CHW)
OF - Henter Pence (HOU)
OF - Bobby Abreu (LAA)
1B/3B - Paul Konerko (CHW)
2B/SS - Sean Rodriguez (TB, this is my $1 warm body.)
UTIL - David Ortiz (BOS, I had to get BB since I missed out on Fielder.)

P - Yovani Gallardo (MIL)
P - Roy Oswalt (PHI)
P - Matt Cain (SF)
P - Max Scherzer (DET)
P - Brett Anderson (OAK)
P - Johnathan Sanchez (SF)
P - Gio Gonzalez (OAK)
P - Leo Nunez (FLA)
P - Kevin Gregg (BAL)

The usual suspects. Six guys back from a 4th place team that imploded down the stretch, what could possibly go wrong?

Best Buy - Max Scherzer ($9) - if he has a good year, $9 is a bargain.
Worst Buy - Matt Kemp ($28) - Shin-Soo Choo went for $19.

30-30 season or an expensive pain in the ass. Time will tell.

Andrew - It was a weird draft. Every year, most people in our league, aside from the two of us, prematurely ejaculate over basically anyone that you throw out there. A few years ago we even had Derek Jeter go for $37. $37! This year was no different, in fact I think it was worse than usual, and for the first round and a half, any top-20 player was going for $35+. Bert and I were sitting there, incredulously shocked, appalled, and happy at our good fortune, as each team's budget was effectively destroyed on one player. One factor in play, we think, is that our league tracks BBs instead of runs, and most price guides are based on runs scored. So Bert and I throw big runs-scored guys out there like Crawford and Cano and watch the feeding frenzy ensue.

Anyway, at some point in the draft, maybe when Pujols went for $43 - $5 under value - or maybe when Mauer went for $23 - another $5-off discount, people seemed to readjust to their dwindling coffers, and the draft got weird. You would think this would be a great time for people with extra cash to move in and feast, and you would be half-right. Bert, aside from blowing his wad on Matt Kemp, regained some self control and dignity and drafted pretty well from there on out. I, on the other hand, was too inflexible, too committed to getting certain targeted guys, meaning I overpaid for a few guys (hellooo, Victor Martinez), and let too many other guys go for too little. And, most inexcusable of all, I ended up with $8 left in the bank. What? This has never happened to me before, and it makes me very, very nervous. It makes me even more nervous when the other three teams that I've projected to finish in the top four are occupying the top three, and as this is being written, I'm struggling to move out of dead last. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the season's a marathon and it's only week one, but still.

C - Victor Martinez (DET) - Good average and decent power, but would it kill him to walk a little more?
C - Brian McCann (ATL) - I've had this guy every year since I can remember. So solid, so consistent.
1B - Joey Votto (CIN) - The poor man's Pujols. This year he could be even better. Fair value at $36.
2B - Dan Uggla (ATL) - I've also owned Uggla a lot, and he's never let me down. Well worth the $21.
SS - Stephen Drew (ARI) - His numbers say he's underrated; I remain unconvinced but hopeful.
3B - Casey McGehee (MIL) - If his numbers continue on their upward trajectory, a steal for $1. If.
OF - Jayson Werth (WAS) - I don't love this pick. Washington's park is not exactly a hitter's paradise.
OF - Shin Soo-Choo (CLE) - Great player, but I paid nearly full value for him.

OF - Jason Kubel (MIN) - Where my draft started to go downhill. Kubel is not a poor man's Swisher.

OF - Jason Bay (NYM) - Massive upside, minimal risk for $1, if he's not permanently concussed.

OF - Lance Berkman (STL) - Scares the bejeesus out of me. If I get 87 BBs and 18 HR I'll take it.

CI - Billy Butler (KC) - Numbers are going up across the board. I love him for $9.
2B - Howie Kendrick (LAA) - I had to pony up $9 for him, but he hit 41 2Bs in '10. Optimistic.
UTIL - Adam LaRoche - Still flying under the radar. I expect 25 HRs and 85+ RBIs. No BBs, though.

P - Dan Haren (LAA) - I'm counting on the aberration of 2010's first half to vanish like snow before the sun.

P - Tommy Hanson (ATL) - Not enough years stats to make me comfortable. Plus never trust a ginger.

P - Ted Lilly (LAD) - I hate this guy's face and his Cub background, but for $6 could I go wrong? So far, yes.

P - Zach Greinke (MIL) - Banking on his rib injury to unlock some deep value for $14.

P - Jered Weaver (LAA) - Thinking that his K numbers from '10 are not a fluke. Early numbers are backing me up.

P - Chris Carpenter (STL) - So good, so fragile, and he pitches to contact. Cain for $16 would've been better.

P - Javier Vazquez (FLA) - Hold my nose and pray for the Ks to come back. Florida's park can't hurt. Right?

P - Dallas Braden (OAK) - Don't win, don't strike guys out - what do you do? Oh, well, decent ERA and WHIP.

P - Chris Perez (CLE) - 30+ saves for $2. I'll take it.

I choo-choo-choose you!

Best Buy - Based on projected numbers, Ted Lilly went for $13 less than he should have, but if Bay comes back to hit ~22 HRs and walks 80 times, he's the steal of the draft for me, maybe the league.
Worst Buy - V-Mart ($23) when I probably could've had Mauer for $25. Bollocks.

For me, the draft is mostly based on projected numbers relative to projected value, and then the real season starts. Right now, it's ugly. No strikeouts, low wins, horrible WHIP, and a laughably low RBI total despite top-3 HRs. My team must be channeling the Cardinals, who scored less runs in their first 9 games than all other iterations of their team since 1919. They suck. They and their clueless manager will continue to suck. 10 days in, and I am more panicked than Ryan Franklin on the mound in the ninth.

Hindsight Is 20/20

Worst Buy Overall - This is tough, but I'm going to have to say Joba Chamberlain ($7). One of the worst things you can do in our league is buy a non-closer relief pitcher, and someone paid $7 for one! The next worst would be Manny Ramirez for $4, but the buyer had no way to know he would get busted for doping and retire suddenly.

The numbers back up Bert's pick - the buyer overpaid by $21! Ha!

Best Buy - Jaime Garcia ($3). If Garcia's arm doesn't fall off this could be the bargain of the draft; he was excellent last year before being shut down.

I'm still (optimistically) nominating Jason Bay, but it's not an overly confident pick.

Massive Upside - Josh Johnson ($14) / Max Scherzer ($9). Johnson pitched like a Top 5 pitcher last year before an injury ended his season, but he still has a serious injury concern this year. He has already pitched well, so it's entirely possible he stays healthy and competes for the NL Cy Young. Scherzer is unproven, but finished so well after coming up from a stint in the minors last season that everyone has been saying he has Top 10 upside.

Jason Bay ($1) Bay, Bay, Bay. If I repeat his name like a mantra for the next ten days, will my horrifically low RBI numbers bounce back?

Current Status
Bert - The Dude abides.
Andrew - Nothing is fucked?! The God damn plane has crashed into the mountain!

Fantasy Baseball, The End

Oh Baseball Gods, how fickle you are. The misery is finally over for me and the insufferable arrogance can resume at Andrew's, this is going to be a long offseason.

I probably spoke too soon when I said I was in standings purgatory, well, actually I did speak too soon. The Baseball Gods were kind enough to "shut down" a number of my players, which means they don't go on the DL and I can't replace them. Tulo, Yadier Molina, and Justin Upton found themselves lounging on the bench for the last week and I started my slide toward 4th. The Gods are cruel, very cruel.

Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.

Andrew stayed in first and never had much trouble fending off the rest of us. The team in second suffered Shut Down hell and slid slowly away from 1st over the last week or so. The team that passed me didn't have a chance at 1st, so Andrew could sit back and enjoy his Cardinals failure to reach the playoffs.

Oh well, maybe next year.

Current Status
Bert - The Dude abides.
Andrew - Far out, far fucking out.

Fantasy Baseball, 150 Games Down

Well, this is it. Just about two weeks left in the season, so the misery will finally end for eight members of our league. Sadly, the misery will end, but some of it will carry over until next season. Maybe one day I will be cleansed with victory, but it isn't likely. Everyone but Andrew is in standings purgatory, as Drew is 7.5 points clear in first (70), with the second place team (62.5) 2.5 clear of me (60), and I'm 5.5 clear of fourth. I would need everyone on my team to pull a Tulo to jump into 2nd, and Andrew's team would have to invent negative HR's, K's, and RBI's to lose.

I'm basically the living dead right now. I can be extremely happy that my most expensive player, Tulo, is destroying the ball. Tulo missed a tad over an entire month and hit 12HR and 55RBI through August 31, then he ate some spinach and hit 14HR and 34RBI in the month of September. Just to clarify, September isn't over yet. Where was this 4 months ago Tulo?! I was drinking your bathwater all season, and you save this for the last month of the season?! Oh yeah, Zito broke his winless streak at 12 starts, thanks Barry.

Oh Tulo, you handsome, mercurial, injured, sandbagging devil.

Andrew's luck combined with a stellar pitching and the 7 Closers Strategy has helped him lock up the season. It also helps that the #2 team, which was in first for quite a while, basically burst into flames. He lost his best pitcher, letting Andrew in, and started streaming closers which made it even worse.

Current Status
Bert - Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing... I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet...
Andrew - Yeah well, I still jerk off manually.

Fantasy Baseball, 140 Games Down

The season is almost over, and part of me can't wait. I have a feeling Andrew has basically locked it up, for his second straight win, and if I'm lucky I could finish second. Andrew has been blessed by the Baseball Gods, who struck down the previous #1 team. Josh Johnson, one of his many great pitchers, is done for the season and opens up a number of categories for Andrew and I.

My team is basically in limbo. I'm 3 back of 2nd, and 7.5 back of first. My guys are just chugging along, this status update sums up my whole season, "Barry Zito excellent in seventh straight loss."

Oh, so I can expect three more?

Andrew's team can do no wrong at this point. I do find it funny that since he refused to trade Adam Wainwright to me the guy has been less than stellar. Since August 16th the guy is 1-5 and his ERA has "soared" from 2.06 to 2.50, guess I dodged a bullet there. I can't see Andrew losing this unless something horrible happens to his entire team, like if the NL just fell into the ocean.

Current Status
Bert - Johnson?
Andrew - If you will it, it is no dream.

Fantasy Baseball, Please End The Misery

My teeth hurt. I'm so over this season, its not funny anymore... lets get this over with.

My team, in conjunction with the Baseball Gods, is completely imploding. The Gods have struck me down without mercy, and thanks to my own stupidity its going to get worse. Jeremy Hellickson was promoted, went 3-0 with a 2.57ERA, and was promptly send down to the minors. Thanks alot Baseball Gods, at least you didn't help me win the Strasburg Lottery (TJ's and done for this and next season). It also turns out that taking a "Fuck This" managerial strategy isn't good, I missed the roster warning on my most unpalatable DL citizens (Rod Barajas and Jeff "I Shit The Bed" Niemann) and now that they are off the DL they are back on my roster. I'm going to jump out a window now.

Thanks for being awesome, now pack your bags.

Andrew continues to be the luckiest SOB on the planet. I knew Joey Votto would be good, I know he did as well, but nobody would have said that he would challenge Pujols for best overall. The two are duking it out for the Triple Crown, Votto is enjoying the offensive explosion in Cincy, and I wish I hadn't backed off him because he missed time for depression, or vertigo, or whatever crap I was hit with last year. Kelly Johnson continues to hammer the ball, defying all reason, so at this rate Andrew might crap a bar of gold

Current Status
Bert - Fuck the tournament.
Andrew - If you will it, it is no dream.

Fantasy Baseball, 120 Games Down

With roughly 42 games left to go the season is basically over, at least for me it is. The league is down to two teams and I'm not one of them so I've basically checked out. The only thing left for Andrew and I is to maintain our teams and desperately try to make trades as the Sept 1st trade deadline approaches.

I'm about 75% checked out right now, and all I can do it hope that the injury bug is done with me. My offense, once a shining example of draft strategy, has been decimated by injuries. Losing two of my best players (Choo and Tulo) for over a month has caught up with me, and the loss of Youkilis is really paying off right now. I'm losing points in close categories that Youk gave me (HR, AVG, RBI) and I have no way to make up for it. My best hope is that Justin Upton and Billy Butler ascend to a higher level of Baseball Consciousness and completely destroy the league over the next 40 games. Add in my ability to add pitchers who quickly find the DL (Jeff Niemann, although I was able to add Jeremy Hellickson) and I'm done, see y'all next year.

Jeremy "Hell Boy" Hellickson, my only hope.

Andrew is still plugging away in 2nd, although he enjoyed a brief stint in 1st. He continues to ride baffling seasons by middling players (Kelly Johnson, Aubrey Huff) and is still in contention. He recently swapped Francisco Liriano for another closer, so he should be gaining in the saves category. I don't think he can win it, but with 42 games left alot of crazy things can happen. A single player on a tear could turn the chase.

Current Status
Bert - He fixes the cable?
Andrew - Shomor Shabbos!

Fantasy Baseball, 110 Games Down

This will be, by far, the most apathetic update yet. As far as I'm concerned the league has pretty much been decided, barring some (additional) bad breaks, I can't see anyone seriously shaking up the standings. You may have guessed that I am not in first. Andrew isn't either, but I'm sure he thinks he still has a shot at the title.

My season ended this weekend when news went out that Kevin Youkilis' season was over due to a thumb injury. I've been missing one of my best players (Tulowitzki and/or Choo) for most of the season, and its hurt me, but this is probably the last straw. I built my team on guys that provide multiple stats, Tulo & Choo are six stat (HR/RBI/SB/BB/BA) studs and now I'm losing a 5 stat stud who gives me what I need most. I've been competitive in HR and king of BB for some reason, so losing those has pretty much doomed me. I've added James Loney since he has been driving a bunch of runs and hitting .300, so my only hope is that my offense lives up to its potential and Grienke/Sanchez go on a hot streak. As far as I'm concerned I'm just trying to stay in the money.

This pretty much sums up the rest of my season.

Andrew's team is stuck in championship limbo from what I can see. He is currently 2.5 behind the leader, but the team in first managed to counter his saves strategy. Andrew acquired a number of closers to gain on saves, but Andrew Bailey landed on the DL and the team he is chasing added Johnathan Papelbon in a trade (shipped out Jaime Garcia at the perfect time). I remain annoyed that Andrew is riding some great seasons from lame players (Kelly Johnson and Adam LaRoche come to mind), but its working for him. If Andrew can take some points away from the leader he has a chance, but right now it looks like both of us are finished.

Current Status
Bert - This is a league game, Smokey.
Andrew - Dude, nothing is fucked. Come on. You're being very unDude.

Fantasy Baseball, 100 Games Down

I'm running a little bit behind this week, probably because I've spent the last few weeks grinding my teeth and trying not to punch myself in the face (more on that later). The past few weeks saw the MLB trade deadline pass, and it should have quite an effect on the title race. The biggest names trading laundry were Cliff Lee (SEA to TEX), Dan Haren (ARZ to LAA, looks like they don't know about his epic 2nd half meltdowns), and Lance Berkman (HOU to NYY).

The trade of Cliff Lee has not helped me all that much aside from a recent outing where Lee went 9 innings and struck out 13 and Neftali Feliz came in and got the win in the 10th. I would love it if I could get those more often, but as it stands I'm getting killed all over. My offensive dominance has waned, but with Choo and Tulo coming back online and Rod "Do Nothing" Barajas in a pending DL move I may be headed for a strong recovery.

My biggest headache has been the Mike Pelfrey/Phil Hughes shit sandwich, and lets not forget my Nick Markakis/Franklin Gutierrez pre-season mancrush. This is where I start punching myself in the face, since I was all over Gutierrez as a potential 20-20 guy who could hit .300. I was wavering between Gutierrez and Colorado's Carlos Gonzalez, lets see how that worked out for me...

Gutierrez - 9HR 42RBI 15SB 42BB .247
Markakis - 7HR 36RBI 4SB 54BB .294
Gonzalez - 21HR 68RBI 15SB 18BB .321

The only bright side I see there is I'm #1 in BB, and dropping 24 would hurt. No, that doesn't help me sleep at night but its true. At least I managed to ditch Pelfrey for Barry Zito in a waiver move.

Hitting for the cycle is soooo overrated.

Andrew's team was somewhat up and down, mostly up. He managed to take a large lead in 2nd, but is now currently tied with me at 61 points. We are both well behind the leader (68.5), but the movement of Haren will improve his fortunes. Andrew has been borderline suicidal over Haren's odd 1st half meltdown, the guy has just not been himself all season, but moving to LA should give him a boost in wins and maybe keep a few fly balls in the park. The big downside of his move is going back to the AL, but Adrew is so far ahead in strikeouts that Haren doesn't need to strike out anyone else for the next three seasons. Andrew remains optimistic that we still have a chance at winning, me... not so much.

World of pain...

Current Status
Bert - No, Walter, it didn't look like Larry was about to crack. Well that's your perception...
Andrew - I believe in nothing!

Fantasy Baseball, 90 Games Down

Well I'll be damned, the past few weeks have been great for chokesters (Spain & The NL), so maybe that signals new beginnings? Oh who am I kidding, the second half of the season is going to be a series of disappointing events culminating in failure. Andrew and I have descended into standings purgatory and will no doubt will be trapped in 2nd and 3rd for the rest of the season. There may be some hope, notice I said purgatory and not limbo, all the Dante fans out there know what I mean.

The injury bug, well its more like a venomous snake or a rabid dog, has finally bitten Andrew. I know he isn't surprised, and neither am I, but Jake Peavy has finally made his way to the DL with a detached muscle in his right (throwing arm) shoulder. I don't think I have to tell you his season is over. Good thing the White Sox have him signed through 2012, I hear good things about pitchers in their 30's recovering from shoulder surgery. It isn't all bad news though, Andrew managed to jettison Brad Lidge for Jon Rauch in a waiver move, and he added Huston Street for Peavy. With four closers he should make up some serious ground in the saves category.

We had such high hopes...

I'm teetering in 2nd place, but I could have made a move to ruin my season. I failed to do much research when I placed Shin-Soo Choo on the DL, and now I'm stuck with a guy who doesn't even start. I only requested Josh Willingham (Nats OF) and Seth Smith (Rockies OF) thinking I would land Willingham, but someone else had a DL move and requested him as well. Smith is hitting .287 with 12HR, but with Choo being out for a long time I may be stuck with this guy for longer than I'd like. I also boned the move because I have 6 OF (we have 5 OF and a UTIL slot), and I took a weak OF when I could have taken any position. I can't believe I'm saying this, but in hindsight I'd almost rather have JD Drew. Even Carlos Quentin and his impressive .244 average would be better than a part time player. The best thing to happen to me, or maybe a not-so-horrible thing, was the trade of Cliff Lee to the Texas Rangers. Upside; Texas has an offense and he should win more games, Downside; Lee goes from a super-defensive team in a pitchers park to an all-offense team in a hitters park.

My favorite Korean, you will be sorely missed.

Current Status
Bert - Don't run away from this, Dude! Goddamnit, this affects all of us!
Andrew - I'm shomer shabbas!

Fantasy Baseball, 80 Games Down

Well, the All Star break is finally upon us. With half the season behind us we have a decent picture of how things are going to go down the stretch. The 1st place team is still comfortably in first with 66.5 points, 5 ahead of me and 9 ahead of Andrew. Things look bleak for the rest of the league with 4th place at 52.5 points, we have a smaller league than usual (9 teams) so we changed the rules so the top three get prize money. Being “safely” in the money isn’t comforting to Andrew who isn’t happy with anything but the title, typical German.

The past 10 games have been cruel to Andrew, but he retains some optimism that the Baseball Gods will work their magic on the 1^st place team. He may be right, but it’s going to be hard to knock him off his pitching perch. The current leader has been riding high on the league’s best staff by far (35.5 points), which has been held aloft by super-buy Ubaldo Jimenez (14-1, 1.83ERA), super-rookie Jaime Garcia (7-4, 2.27ERA), and first half monsters Josh Johnson (8-3, 1.83ERA) and Matt Garza (9-5, 4.05ERA). Aside from Javier Vasquez’s start and Garza’s recent ERA explosion his staff has been solid all season, I’m not 100% clear where Andrew sees room for a fall so I’m not all that hopeful. He is going to have to deal with an injury to V-Mart, but he has the studly Cano-Longoria combo to fall back on.

Andrew’s hitters have started to cool off, and his pitching staff is not what it was to start the season. Jake Peavy has had some good starts, but he also has had a meltdown here and there. Aside from Adam Wainwright, who I covet, Andrew’s arms have been all over the place. Francisco Liriano is starting to plummet back to earth, and Dan Haren could be moving into his dangerous post-break slump. If history has anything to say, Haren’s second half numbers could be brutal considering his start. Who knows, Andrew has enormous upside in his staff and has traded his way into a three closer (Lidge-Gregg-Bailey) rotation which will help him gain ground in the saves department.

Haren watches one of his 19 homers given up, well on his way to a career worst.

My team is now on the verge of a complete implosion. I can already see my team bursting into flames as my best performer, Shin-Soo Choo, is joining Tulo on the DL for 6-8 weeks. I still have the best offense in the league, but only by 2.5 points. Losing Tulo and Choo Choo ends my dream of hammering the hell out of the ball, but a lot of my best hitters have been ice cold (Holliday-Upton-Markakis) and I’ve had to sit and watch my totals drop. My catchers (Barajas-Y.Molina) have been horrible lately, but the two headed monster of Youk-Zimmerman has been keeping me afloat. I’ve done everything I can with my pitching staff, but it’s not working out all that well just yet. Mat Latos has been awesome, Greinke gave me 2 wins in a row after the poor guy went 2-8 through 15 starts, but Pelfrey, Sanchez, and Hughes have all been getting shelled lately. At least they go 5+, strike out 5 or so, and don’t walk everyone (I’m looking at you Rich Harden) so it could be worse.

Padres and Royals and Mets, Oh shit.

Current Status

Bert – So he says, “My son can't hold a job, my daughter's married to a fuckin' loser, and I got a rash on my ass so bad I can't hardly siddown. But you know me. I can't complain.”

Andrew - I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

Mid-Season Thoughts

Yeah, but what I meant was…

Vernon Wells. Wow, were we way off on him. Even if he does nothing for the rest of the season he was well worth the $1. Maybe once his steroid cycle ends, err, I mean his good luck, he may even out. He is well on pace for a career year and has already made our predictions look horrible.

Chipper Jones. So that slump last year wasn’t a fluke, huh, well at least I didn’t buy him. Chipper’s decline has been so sudden and drastic, its tough to see a solid player like him completely melt down.

Calmer Than You

$1 Closers. I am SO happy that I spent $1 on Billy Wagner and Frank Francisco. I had to dump Francisco for Neftali Feliz (who leads the AL with 21 saves) so it wasn’t perfect, but had I thrown down cash for a Broxton or Papelbon I am 100% sure I would not be where I am.

Matt Cain. Andrew and I sat in stunned disbelief when he went for $10. I think Andrew still has nightmares about this because he had TWO chances to get him for that price after the original winner didn’t have the salary space. Ubaldo Jimenez went for the same price (I backed off after spending all my money on Lester and Lee), but we had no idea he would be the best pitcher in baseball. Cain has a deceptive 6-7 record, but his 76K, 2.93ERA, and 1.14WHIP make him a major steal at $10. I’m not sure when Andrew will get over this, maybe never.

Fantasy Baseball, 70 Games Down

The past 10 games have been a real rollercoaster of emotions, mainly for me, culminating in what should be the final three for the remainder of the season. It is starting to look like the 1st place team is untouchable, although Andrew disagrees, and the Sports Optimators will be trading barbs and places in the standing for some time.

The biggest personal tragedy for me was losing out on the Stephen Strasburg Lottery by one position in the standings. I had dropped to fourth with Brett Anderson heading for the DL, but the team in fifth had an ace up their sleeve with Daisuke Matsuzaka DL eligible. Disaster also struck when one of my favorite bathwater sources, Troy Tulowitzki, broke his wrist and will be out at least 6-8 weeks. The only upside to the past week or so was some managerial magic, and crazy luck, when I managed to transform Brett Anderson (DL), Rich Harden (DL, thank God), and Wade Davis into Matt Latos, Mike Pelfrey, and Zach “I May Be Clinically Depressed Again” Greinke. The Davis-Greinke trade seems lopsided, much like my Ibanez-Upton swap, but until Davis got shelled twice in a row it didn’t look so bad. I’m rolling the dice that Greinke and Upton wake up in the second half and keep me in the money.

Maybe next year Stephen, when I'll have to pay $40 for you.

I wasn’t the only one pulling off some transaction magic as Andrew managed to jettison the shaky Ricky Nolasco in exchange for Andrew Bailey. Andrew likes to ride starters, get a big lead in Ks (which he has), then trade for closers. Sadly he has not had a lot of low budget closer luck like I have, even though Frank Francisco cost me a sup move, so Andrew is now on his 5th closer (Frasor, Gregg, Capps, Bailey, Lidge) and relying on Brad Lidge to help him out. At least he didn’t pay $15 for Lidge, and I will never have him again. Andrew definitely has the most solid core of starters, especially with Haren coming around, and he thinks it will only be a matter of time before his staff if #1 and putting him top of the league.

I'm shocked Andrew has forgotten about this.

The World Cup has done a great job of keeping me distracted, sometimes its good to ignore the standings, but once the Cup is decided I have a feeling I’ll be right back to giving myself a heart attack over every Jonathan Sanchez meltdown.

Current Status
Bert - “Well Dude, we just don't know.”
Andrew - “That's a great plan, Walter. That's fuckin' ingenious, if I understand it correctly. It's a Swiss fuckin' watch.”

Fantasy Baseball, 60 Games Down

With a little over 100 games left in the season things are starting to settle, and it looks like the rest of the season will be a three man race. The standings tend to jump around alot still, but it looks like the champ is going to have to finish the season with at least 60 points. The top two are comfortably above that (64, and myself at 62.5) and Andrew continues to lurk with 57 and a fourth dark horse at 53.

I wish I could say something interesting happened this week, but the standings stayed pretty much the same and nobody important got hurt or did anything stupid. Sadly none of the perfect games tossed this season helped me out, and I continue to be haunted by Rich Harden. I'm also getting killed by picking the wrong hot pitching prospect on the Rays (Wade Davis), which was nice because Texas and Tampa Bay took turns torching either when Harden and Davis started. I think I ended up with 15ER in 8IP with those two. I just wish there was some pitching phenom waiting out there for me to pick up, like someone that could strike out 14 guys in 7 innings. That would be nice.

Apparently its pronounced like Strawsburg

Of course anyone who follows baseball knows this past week featured the debut of the next great thing to happen to baseball, Stephen Strasburg, and he managed to fulfill all of the wild predictions. This has started the ball rolling on the Strasburg lottery in our league, but sitting in 2nd with no supplemental moves means I'm out. Andrew is also out in 3rd, so we can only sit and wait to see who gets him (likely the last place team as of Monday 6/14) and look on longingly. I'm sure Andrew would love to have a guy who is being compared to Mark Prior, because he worked out so well.

I promise the 70 game report will be more exciting. Really, it will. I swear.

Current Status
Bert - "You gotta buck up, man, you can't go into the tournament with this negative attitude-- "
Andrew - "Sure! Fuck it! That's your answer! Tattoo it on your forehead! Your answer to everything!"

Fantasy Baseball, 50 Games Down

Oh how the mighty have fallen, but for real this time. The past ten games have been a real roller coaster of emotions for Andrew. Andrew's once dominant pitching staff has turned into a liability (even though I would love to swap staffs) as his workhorses are breaking down. Andrew fell from the heights to settle at third, behind me, and is now 6.5 back from glory. I think at this rate, if Dan Haren gives up one more HR, he may jump out a window.

Dan Haren takes the mound for Arizona.

Andrew's biggest complaint is his bizarre RBI:HR ratio, he is leading the league in HR but suffers from solo jacks. I put on my thinking cap and delved into some league stats to see if his argument was valid, and sure enough it is! I looked at the MLB team average HR and RBI numbers, then compared Andrew's, mine, and the best team in the league in terms of RBI:HR to see where he stands.

MLB Team Average - 4.59
Trader Dave - 5.27
Bert - 4.00
Andrew - 3.52

So one of two things can happen for Andrew as the season goes on. Either 1) The Law Of Averages is on his side, and over the course of the season he will approach or exceed the MLB Team average, or 2) he will have a comically low RBI:HR ratio. I am rooting for the latter, purely for the comedy.

The biggest news for me has been the awakening of my Man Crushes, Troy Tulowitzki and Jon Lester. After both stunk up the first month (mostly Tulo, Lester has been great since starting 0-2 with a 6.23 ERA in four starts) they have found their stride and started carrying my team. Lester has won 5 of his last 6 starts, and Tulo hit 5HR and 8RBI in the last 8 games after hitting 1HR and 16RBI all season.

Oh man, this is the sweetest bathwater ever...

I am currently sitting in second, and couldn't be happier to be in the running. My pitching staff is improving and it looks like I have a chance to win the league by hammering the ball. I assumed I would have to send one of my best players (Tulowitzki, Holliday, or Choo) to someone with pitching (Andrew) sooner or later, but I'm 9 points ahead of the second best offense and my staff is getting better with every non-Harden start. Even with his inning limits Phil Hughes (ugh, I can't believe I'm relying on a Yankee) is giving me a big boost, and the return of Cliff Lee has done wonders for my ERA and WHIP.

Andrew checks in: I've had the misfortune of watching all of my misfortune unfold before my eyes this year, as I re-upped my MLB Extra Innings package with Comcast this year.  As an aside, my summer is slipping away from me as I spend my nights in front of the TV swearing loudly, instead of outside enjoying the long days, but then again, this is NorCal, where summer doesn't really start until August.  Anyway, my team has been maddening.  There were some genuinely boneheaded moves made at the draft that are bending me over right now (Nolasco instead of Cain? Check.  Drafting somebody outside of your strategy just because he was cheap [Vlad], then panicking and using a supplemental move to drop him before the season even starts, then watching Vlad tear the cover off the ball for two straight months?  Check.  Wasting another supp move on dropping Jason Frasor?  Check.
But, my point about MLB Extra Innings is this: sometimes, the numbers do lie, and I have seen just about every little thing go against me this year.  Errors on infielders being ruled as hits, strikeouts being ruled as checked swings (leading to blown saves), grounders bouncing over first basemen's heads, bloops falling for doubles, etc, etc.  Then there was Ethier and his freak finger injury, Votto sitting for a solid week with a sore neck without going on the DL, Napoli starting the first three weeks of the season on the bench, and the complete disappearance of Jake Peavy.  Let's not even talk about Dan Haren.  On top of all this, my bread and butter strategy of accumulating things that cannot be taken away from you and are, for the most part, within the batter's control (BBs) has let me down.  One of my favorite fantasy guys that seems to land in my lap for $1 every year, Nick Swisher, insists on getting base hits instead of walking.  WTF?!  If I had wanted hits I would've drafted Ichiro or Prado, but I didn't.  Where is this .250 average and 90 BBs I keep hearing so much about? 


Current Status
Bert - "Obviously you're not a golfer."
Andrew - "This is a very complicated case, Maude. You know, a lotta ins, lotta outs, lotta what-have-yous. And, uh, lotta strands to keep in my head, man. Lotta strands in old Duder's head. Luckily I'm adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug regimen to keep my mind limber."