BORUSSIA DORTMUND (Home & Third)
Oh, how the Sports Gods test my new found interest in the Bundesliga. Gradients, and worse, dotted gradients may actually be my mortal enemy. They also lose points for having a design that has a giant blank space for the sponsor logo. I'm also really confused when it comes to Dortmund since they started 2010 with a pretty nice home kit, then changed at the end of the year to an ugly one, now they start the 2011-12 season with an even worse one. Maybe winning the Bundesliga has gone to their heads.
I'm almost sorry I started following them.
NEWCASTLE UNITED (Home)
I think the first time I saw this I may have actually muttered "There is no God" and held my head in my hands. Ever since Newcastle United got a divorce from Newcastle Brown Ale things have only gotten worse. This kit was once a classic and one of my favorites, but now its just a giant mess. The striping has been ruined, the manufacturer logo is bizarrely placed high up on the shoulder (not an improvement on Adidas' super-center-alignment approach from 2009-10), blank patch for the sponsor, and the back is a train wreck. I can't believe I'm saying this, but the kit was better last year.
I think this caused Joey Barton's twitter rant.
AC MILAN (Home)
Adidas is really testing my patience. All they really did here was change the stripe width, and it makes my blood boil. There is something decidedly unpleasant about the striping, it reminds me of an optical illusion that will no doubt cause eye strain, which is appropriate for a league that is hard to watch. Add in the white sleeves, and you have a completely forgettable kit, please go back to the wider stripes Adidas!
OLYMPIQUE MARSEILLE (Away & Third)
OM continues its tradition of bizarre kit designs yet again. The away kit isn't that offense, but I have a thing against patterned fabric, and this kit reminds me of upholstery. The third kit might actually make my eyes bleed if I look at it much longer, maybe bar codes are fashionable in France.
ARSENAL (Away)
Say it ain't so Arsene! After a few years of some great kits, the Gunners get a weird one. This looks like a rugby shirt you would buy at Abercrombie & Fitch, and it get worse thanks to one of the most entertaining players in football. I'm not making this up, when Andrei Arshavin was asked about the new away kit he said "Our guest [away] uniform next season will look like jockey clothes." I think that pretty much sums it up.
GIRONDINS DE BORDEAUX (Home, Away & Third)
Why do the French have such an obsession with sailor boys?! Ok, I get it, the team crest has a V in it, and the kit mirrors that. It still looks like a sailor outfit, like these guys are going to a Halloween party, Manchester United was able to pull off the V so it can't be that hard.
WERDER BREMEN (Home & Away)
Woof, these look horrible, especially the away Orange/Green kit. They had decent orange kits with some green two years ago, but these just look horrible. All I can think of is pumpkins, and then my eyes start to get tired with all the stripes. They lose even more points with the electrical tape font on the back that is almost as bad as Netherlands' international kits.
Side note : How is it that the Bundesliga doesn't have a standard font? The Premier League has a standard font, even the Championship and League One have one, but the Bundesliga doesn't? So few teams pull off a decent custom font (Inter Milan, Bayern Munich, Barcelona) I don't see why more leagues don't go to a standard font.
GAMBA OSAKA (Home, Away & Third)
At first I tried very hard to confine this list to the biggest leagues, but the J-League really stepped it up to make it in. These all look like they belong in the Tour de France, not on the pitch, and even the tiniest details leave me wondering what they were thinking. Their club crest has five stars, most likely representing league titles, but the arrangement of the stars is so random, they aren't even centered on the crest. Also another kit with the manufacturer's logo placed higher up on the shoulder than the crest, this must be a new trend since its spread to Umbro.
PSV EINDHOVEN (Away)
Holy hell, this kit is basically a laundry list of every design trend that makes me insane. Patterned body that doesn't match the back, solid sleeves with a patterned body, shoulder stripe, sponsor patch, and the spreading trend of another sponsor where the player's name should be while the name is now below the number.
BARCELONA (Home)
This initially drew my ire because it appeared that Nike was going to use this striping pattern on four other kits (Inter Milan, Juventus, and Atletico Madrid), which drives me nuts. World Cup kits often leave me disappointed because manufacturers just come out with one kit, slap on the crest, and change the colors. Its boring, and sad, and I thought this was going to happen. Luckily for everyone else it looks like Nike decided that only Barcelona's kit would be ugly. Nike messed with the stripes, this seems to be a theme this year, and made a mess out of a kit that usually looks good. The only upside is that they got rid of the horrible electric yellow from last year.
YOU DECIDE
FRENCH NATIONAL TEAM (Away)
Of all the kits I looked at, I found myself spending an enormous amount of time thinking about this one. The first time I saw this I paused a moment and said "This looks like a gondola pilot's uniform", and I was pretty damn close. Apparently this was inspired by the French Navy, more specifically La Mariniére which is a 19th century naval uniform. I get where they are going here, everyone likes Breton stripes, and they do look good, but I couldn't help laughing a little. After the farce France pulled at the 2010 World Cup, I would assume they would steer clear of anything even remotely comical, but maybe in France this is a source of enormous pride. If this was any other country (well, aside from Italy) I wouldn't have found anything funny.
If Samir Nasri comes out in a red snood I will die laughing.
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