"Look, I'm not here to talk about the past. I've always been a homerun hitter, and I don't know if taking a banned substance that is proven to make you stronger helps you hit homeruns, but I only let Canseco stick a needle in my ass to help recover from injury. I don't think any of that has to do with hitting homeruns, so I don't feel like I did anything wrong... but I'm going to apologize. Not that I did anything wrong."
Full disclosure: I am a lifelong, diehard, Cardinals fan. One of my favorite memories is still, all these years later, driving down to Busch Stadium in 1987 with my older brother to watch the Cardinals beat the Pirates 9-1. I remember that Terry Pendleton hit a homerun; Jack Clark, my favorite player of the time, did not; and for the life of me, I could've sworn that John Tudor started that game, but I just looked it up on Retrosheets.com (great website for stats geeks), and it was 22-year old Joe Magrane. I fell asleep listening to West Coast games, with my GE radio and its dial's cool blue glow hidden on the side of my bed from my mother, more times than I can remember. I fell asleep during game 7 of the World Series with the Twins up 4-2, and dreamt all night, alternating between fantasies and nightmares, of the final outcome of the game. The Twins' victory still stings (although the fact that the 2006 Cardinals won even fewer regular season games feels like some sort of karmic equalizer; although, really, the team with the better regular season record should just have home field advantage - the home team won every game in that '87 Series, and the Twins had a massive advantage playing in that plastic bag called the Metrodome - and that was back when home field just alternated between leagues.) Anyway, I digress. I love the Cardinals' history, the late Jack Buck (though I really, really do not like his son, who calls a sports game like he was calling the stock market), the still-alive-and-kicking Mike Shannon (who is and was an even better broadcaster than Buck - yeah, I said it), I loved Jack Clark and Vince Coleman, John Tudor, Todd Worrell, and Danny Cox; and I loved Matt Morris, Jason Isringhausen, Jimmy Edmonds and Scott Rolen. My fantasy baseball team is called I Heart Poo-holes. I love the Cardinals. And I love baseball.
So, given that McGwire used to wear that sacred piece of laundry with the Birds on the Bat, I was all ready to write a piece dismissing all the righteous indignation that sports writers were falling over themselves to get out there after McGwire's admission. And I'm still sick of all that bullshit, because these people act as if they wake up with the Dalai Lama.
But, I can see how these things get written, because opinions are like assholes, and I've got one, too. So, let's get the righteous indignation out of the way, because the Dalai Lama is a good friend of mine, and I've never given into temptation.
Mark McGwire, you, sir, are a cheating, lying douchebag, and so is your manager, Tony LaRussa. I appreciate the fact that he came clean about - as far as I know, and I know nothing - the full extent of his cheating. I was amazed that he said, so candidly, that he was using in '98. My gut tells me that he is being honest about the major facts. But when he starts getting into details and explanations, the wheels come flying off. First, watch this interview with Bob Ley. And watch for these key points:
- Ley: If you believe that steroids didn't help you hit HRs, then why did you apologize to the Maris family?
- Mac: That's just me, Bob. That's just the kind of person I am. I just felt that I was obligated, just from my heart...
Whaaaa? It goes on like this for a while, but he never actually answers the question.
- Ley: If steroids don't help production, then why have they been banned by the Olympics for all these years?
- Mac: Well, that's a good question. You'd have to ask the Olympic committee.
HUH?!
- Ley: You said steroids were bad. Why are they bad?
- Mac: Yeah! Well, I - I - I mean, it's a drug. It was totally stupid for me to get into it. I mean, look what's happened, Bob. I've had skeletons in my closet...
WTF?!! Get your story straight, Mac. Either steroids are wrong, and a cheating device, which is why, I assume, you met with all these media guys to apologize and show your remorse, or they're not. If you really believe that, that's fine, you're entitled to that bat-shit crazy, deluded, opinion*, but don't apologize and defend yourself in the same breath. I think, in your world, steroids are bad because they're illegal, and that fact forced you to go through all this embarrassment. It's like when a guy gets caught cheating on his girlfriend, and he says he's sorry, it was the stupidest, most foolish, thing he's ever done. Really? Maybe if you're Eddie Murphy and you picked up a tranny, but otherwise, chances are that at the time you were enraptured by those breasts and body, asking God what a scoundrel like you did to deserve such a bounty of forbidden pleasure. Just like Mark seemed totally pleased with himself when he was chasing Maris' record. He said, and I'm pretty sure this is verbatim, "I am in awe of myself."
Anyway, I'm flogging a dead horse, and veering straight off the cliff of righteousness. I guess the really disturbing part of all this is that LaRussa is still the manager of the Cardinals, and he claims that he didn't know that Mac was using. Even though he acted like he knew exactly what was coming before McGwire issued his statement, and even though he said back in '05 that he knew about Canseco's 'little helper.' I have to call bullshit. And then there's this damning commentary, which suggests that Mac was very open about his steroid and HGH use in the clubhouse, and that perhaps he was even encouraging other Cardinals teammates to use it. Sigh. Edmonds and McGwire crossed paths in 2000, and I am NOT accusing Edmonds of using, but his HR totals did jump noticeably in 2000. It's a little worrisome. Of all the players that I loved during the Cardinals' great run of the aughts, Edmonds was my favorite, and I would be pretty crushed if it came out he had been using. And let's not even talk about Puj-... Nope, I can't even bring myself to contemplate it.
As an aside, why in the hell does McGwire insist on denying that Canseco shot him up in the ass back in '89? When Canseco's book, Juiced, first came out, Dave Stewart said this: "Canseco may be a lot of things, but he is not a liar." And Stewart was right!!! And Canseco was right! He's been right about everything!!! So why does McGwire insist on getting into a battle of truths with Canseco? It just makes him look bad.
This is the most exhausting, rambling, meandering post I've ever written in my long and illustrious career as The Sports Optimator. Steroids and baseball: it sucks. McGwire: You suck. You're a cheater, and a douchebag. LaRussa, you're a great manager, but probably also a great, lying, douchebag.
Now, who wants to talk some fantasy baseball and do a few mock drafts?!
* His numbers during his 20s are actually not all that great. He was averaging around 30 HRs every year. It wasn't until his mid-30s that he started putting up monster HR totals (save for his rookie campaign, which, steroids or no, is pretty bananas). So his theory that it was his swing that got him those HRs might actually hold some water. The problem is that just as his experience and acquired knowledge started to get him to that next level, his body - under normal circumstances - should've been breaking down. The steroids and HGH, just as it did with Bonds, allowed him to put all that experience to good use, when most players careers' would've been starting their inevitable decline.
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