Beckham Vs. Manchester United Gallery

A few more entries from this week's Gallery, the theme of Beckham's junk was quite popular.

Sir Alex isn't impressed, he was never fooled by the sock.

Sir Alex unveils his plan to fluster Beckham.

Ah, memories...

Stay Classy Apolo

I know I'm a little late with this, but I've been stewing on it for a while. I know everyone is enthralled by the disaster prone events going on in Vancouver, but I've managed to avoid caring about everything aside from Curling. Outside of the Norwegian's pants its all about as exciting as a bowl of oatmeal to me, and I've finally reached the point where I don't care about bruised shins or egos.

These look good on the ice and the back 9.

So despite my all encompassing apathy I found myself (stuck) watching speed skating and the invincible Apolo Anton Ohno. NBC proceeded to beat me over the head with interviews and clips of him dancing with the stars, and I did my best to keep my eyes from rolling back into my head. Thanks to all of the media posturing I was now aware that he was one away from having the most Winter medals of any American, which I have to admit is impressive since I don't have any. Plus I watched him obliterate the field in a qualifying race, so it was plausible that he would be taking home the gold. Then the wheels came off, and my initial annoyance with him bloomed into full fledged indignity.

During the final lap of the medal race Ohno sat in fourth place, and we all held our breath as he made a move at the turn to take the lead (a similar move in the previous race destroyed everyone, he could have crawled across the finish line), only to find himself still firmly in fourth. Then, by God’s grace, as they rounded the last turn the Korean’s in second and third tripped over each other and crashed leaving Ohno to take silver.

Padded Wall 2 - South Korea 0

This type of finish can be dealt with in a few ways;
A) Realize you basically came in fourth, be humble and grateful.
B) Realize you basically came in fourth, look disappointed, but gracefully accept your medal.
C) Whoop it up, get in a fist pump, ignore that you basically came in fourth, showboat and brag about your six medals.

That goatee doesn't look stupid at all, not one bit.

Most people would choose something similar to A or B, but guess what Apolo went with? For someone who is no stranger to shady wins, you would think he would have a little more class and at least see that he got away with one here. Apparently not, so The Sports Optimator would like to congratulate Apolo Anton Ohno on his sixth medal, stay classy.

Optimator Strikes Bronze, Openly Mocked

The Sports Optimator lands in the Gallery again with three successful submissions for the theme of Football In 3D. Apparently my quick photoshop skills and love of football has left me open to mockery, and I deserve it. I don't mind as long as we keep placing, and at this rate I'm going to have an awesome library of football books.

Football in 3D? Some things are better left in 2D.

"These don't work at all, laments Wenger "he is still rubbush."

Arsenal + Chamakh - Fabregas = X

News is coming out that Arsenal is the first choice for Marouane Chamakh, as he contemplates his looming  free summer transfer.  If Fabregas leaves for Barça, though, will this really help much?  For one thing, Chamakh is a striker and Fabregas a midfielder, so not really.  Although, on the other hand, Chamakh is a striker over 6'-0" (6'-2"), which Arsenal have desperately needed this season with Van Persie out.  Even assuming he recovers completely, it will be nice to have some added depth up there, and see Arshavin stop being deployed as the world's shortest striker.

And what of this Fabregas to Barça rumor, anyway?  He's signed through 2014 and claims to love the club, so only a desire by Wenger to cash in on his current good (and improving) form for £50 M would lead to that outcome.  With Fabregas only 22 and just entering his prime footballing years, I can't say I see it happening.  Let's hope.

Arsenal and The Almunia Face

To the random readers of the Sports Optimator who have stumbled across this blog as they search for sports optimating, or just didn't know which sports went best with their dark, high gravity beer made by Spaten (answer: European Football, as long as it doesn't involve a certain London team): Arsenal and The Almunia Face is not some obscure children's story or fairy tale.  In fact, it's not much of a story at all, just a cautionary tale of what happens to good teams when their keeper is complete shite, and their otherwise more-than competent manager is blind to this fact.  And if it were a children's story, it would give them all nightmares, like this one:

What a horror show.  Note how Almunia has his eyes closed and is falling down and away from the ball.  I'm pretty sure they don't teach this technique in goalkeeping school.  I know, I know, Song should've marked Drogba better, but I'm pretty sure this shot was stoppable.  It was well-struck, and not everybody could've stopped it, but I'm going out on a limb here and saying that falling on your ass while the ball flies over your head is probably not the best way to go about it.  

It's not quite as bad as this: 

...but it does strike me as something a second-division keeper would do.  

Which is exactly what he is!  Not that long ago, a young-ish Almunia was toiling and not exactly distinguishing himself in the Spanish second division, but somehow attracted the attention of Arsenal manager Wenger, who is well-known (and deservedly so) for bringing in young undiscovered (read: inexpensive) talents and nurturing them into a succession of stars that are often sold for millions of £ (Anelka, Adebayor, et al).  What he is not known for, unfortunately for those of us that were wearing Arshavin jerseys yesterday, is having an eye for spotting good keepers.  David Seaman (~snicker~) was already in place when Wenger came on board for his early run of success, and while he did bring Jens Lehmann on for their Invincibles run, Lehmann is also a complete nutter:

As I was saying, Lehmann, while he was an exceptional keeper on his long-since-past good days, was and still is also half-crazy, which probably led to Wenger bringing in an unknown Spaniard with a propensity for bleaching his hair and dressing like a complete twat.  

 To give this strange man some credit, he soes seem to have a knack for stopping penalties, as he showed against Roma during the CL last year (and he very nearly stopped a Bolton penalty what now seems like a season ago, but was only two weeks ago, in the 4-2 win that put them top).  

But really, he is just not very good.  This claim is backed up by the stat that has him ranked 19th in the Premier League (there are only 20 teams, folks) in saves-to-shots-on-goal ratio (stats courtesy of this excellent Guardian article that was scarily accurate in its prescience).  Why is a bigger deal not being made about this?  Why is Arsenal the only one of the big four without a big name keeper?  And why does Wenger insist on trotting him out there every game, when the general consensus was that Mannone, while raw, was spectacular against Fulham, and almost singlehandedly won that game for them?  When was the last time you ever saw the word 'spectacular' in the same sentence as Almunia's?  I suppose you could write that "Almunia made a spectacular mess of things in front of goal today."  

Anyway, calling Almunia terrible is being kind, and I'm fairly confident Arsenal won't win anything while he's their #1.  I eagerly await the day that Mannone, Fabianski, or Wojciech Szesdwnwry takes his place.  Judging by that wiki entry on Szesnsdwxvy, he sounds like more proof of Wenger's ability to find talent in obscure places, which is what makes his stubborn refusal to acknowledge Almunia's lack of it so maddening.  Until he does, we can only expect to see a lot more of the Almunia Face.  

This is not, in fact, the Almunia Face.  It's just him falling on his arse again as the ball travels RIGHT WHERE HE WAS JUST STANDING.  But, judging by my search of Google's archives, no one has seen fit to document it, so I thought I would post this instead (I cannot be held financially responsible for Arsenal supporters chucking their computers across the room).  Still, you know it well.  A weak goal is scored and Almunia's lower jaw begins to jut out unflatteringly as he stares off into some unknown distance.  I am doing the same, staring off bitterly into the '10-'11 season, hoping Wenger will come to his senses.  

'09-'10 Season, R.I.P.  

Optimator Superbowl XLIV Wrap-Up

Before we get into the Superbowl I need to apologize for writing about it. This week has been so completely saturated by game analysis and predictions that everything that could possibly be discussed has been beaten to death. If the week of chatter wasn't enough you could have sat through the 8 hours of pre-game shows to cover everything and start questioning your sanity.

First of all, this game was a Colts fan's disaster waiting to happen. The media has been riding the Colts bandwagon all week by picking them to win in a shootout, but at the same time saying good things about the Saints. Apparently we are to believe that Peyton Manning is invincible and the Saints defense can't handle the Colts offense. If that wasn't bad enough the team in whites (Saints this year) is 5-0 over the past five years and 26-17 all-time (Colts cursing data thanks to Uni Watch's Paul Lukas).

Well the media was wrong, very very wrong. The Colts looked great in the first quarter, but it pretty much ended there. Sean payton showed everyone that he has the biggest balls ever by opening the second half with an onsides kick, and that essentially ended the game. The Colts looked flat footed the whole second half, and Manning completely imploded. The Saints were up 22-17 when Manning threw a TAINT and the old Manning Face made a huge comeback. I'd say this was a bigger media jinx than the 2007-08 Patriots, but the whole 18-0 thing trumps Manning's apparent invincibility.

This pretty much sums up how the entire state of Indiana feels right about now

Well I'm going to down some scotch to try and forget the game and the Arsenal-Chelsea game earlier. I have a few random thoughts from the game :

Best Ad - Audi "Green Police" commercial. Seemed like it was making fun of the green movement, but then tries to sell us a green car. Plus it wasn't about beer, Doritos or GoDaddy so it was good.
Worst Ad - Airforce. This was like one of those joke ads on the Simpsons that has a rock band and strippers yet seems to be about joining the armed forces. Apparently if you join the Airforce you will get to surf, skate, and snowboard.

Are Will.I.Am and the Black Eyed Peas the biggest sellouts ever? I can't think of any group or person that went from doing great work to being willing to sell anything for any price so quickly. Remember when they were hocking candy as Snickers superheroes?

Sports Optimator Invades The Gallery

The Sports Optimator landed three entries in this weeks Gallery at Guardian.co.uk to extend its streak. This week the theme was the Manchester Derby, but the bigger news was that I'm not the only one who's entry made it in. Andrew is now batting 1.000 with his first submission making it in, and I'm hoping they have a two-per-person cap as half of mine made it in.

Mancini flaunts his package, Ferguson takes offense.

And in the first leg Tevez created the sock sucker, and then he declared that it was good.

Tévez brings along his translator to get his point across. (Andrew's)

Mine's bigger than yours.

Well this is how Gary feels about a day with you!