Bowl Orgy Running Diary

With the college football season wrapping up and bowl season in full swing I figured I'd write something about the bowl games. As a Pac-10/Cal fan I'm extremely excited about the Rose Bowl, but I'm trying to make it a point to shut my life down and melt into my couch for all of the bigger New Year's weekend bowl games. I was excited for the San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl (Yes, that is actually the name, topped only by the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl) but I didn't feel the need to damage my internal organs for Cal's 37-27 loss as Kevin Riley's "mastery" of our offense does enough on its own.

Side note : I'm going to avoid using the sponsors names since I think college football is turning into a shameless cash grab, the exception being bowls that only have a sponsor name (Outback, Capital One, etc.), and as much as I love Beef 'O'Brady's I'm not going to give them props for presenting the St. Petersburg Bowl.

Starting on December 29th and running through January 2nd I had 20 games to watch, all brilliantly scheduled so they don't overlap, and I planned to have both of my TV's (placed side by side) and computer (Dear Lord, thank you for ESPN360) fired up and eating electricity at a frightening rate. I'm going to limit this to the January 1st-2nd games, otherwise this diary would be 20,000 words. So starting at 8am on saturday I hunkered down on my couch and started with the Outback Bowl (Damn, I should have had a bloomin' onion on hand), and the orgy unfolded...

January 1st
Outback Bowl : Northwestern - Auburn (8am)
813 - Northwestern's heaviest back is 200?! That can't possibly be a good sign.
817 - Commentator thinks New Year = Ok to go for a 4th & 1 on the 31 down 7-0. I don't think so.
827 - Auburn's McFadden has a 100 yard TAINT (TD After INT), I can hear the air coming out of Northwestern.
836 - Painful sponsor interview with Tim McGraw, its going to be a long day.
839 - Commentator just said if Cincy beats Florida it would be the greatest upset ever. Apparently this is his first year of watching NCAA football, my apologies to Michigan fans.
906 - Quindarius?! This guy's name is Quindarius.
1009 - AWESOME one-handed INT by Northwestern, finally they show some life.
1014 - Kafka is now suffering a full media jinx, as I've been hearing about how he is the Big 10's best QB, Auburn is eating him alive.
1038 - Northwestern scores 14 straight, ties game 21-21, Iowa State fans are not shocked.
1134 - Auburn blows another big lead (15) in about 2 minutes, including a 2-point conversion, Iowa State fans are nodding right now.
1204 - Auburn thinks they have won twice, but give Northwestern a second chance with a running into the kicker penalty.
1206 - Northwestern out-chokes Auburn with a stupid fake FG attempt down 3 in OT. Great call.

Gator Bowl : Florida State - West Virginia (10am)
1030 - Awesome! I'm loving that both teams are wearing their home uniforms.
1031 - Bowden looks shockingly old, maybe its the stress of being a coaching legend.

Something something something zone blitz

1101 - FG miss followed by wide right/left montage. Like we really needed to celebrate Bowden's last game with those memories.
1104 - Gary Danielson uses a Goldilocks/Porridge analogy, Lundquist seems impressed.
1117 - Noel Devine is single-handedly killing Florida State, and he can bench 400!
1259 - Bill Stewart reminds me of someone, but I can't figure out who...
107 - 4th & 13 on FSU's 33, two score game, spread-option offense with their backup QB in the game... this sounds like a great opportunity for WVU to go for it!
116 - West Virginia's players look like one giant frown with 2:42 left in the game, a good sign for a Mountaineer comeback.

Capital One Bowl : Penn State - LSU (10am)
1110 - Apparently LSU is without their top two HB, and Jordan Jefferson is a headcase. Advantage : Penn St.
1114 - Hands down, best maintained field today.
1123 - Game has barely started and the field looks like its been plowed under for seeding. I'm secretly hoping the halftime show is Erin Andrews mud wrestling. Ok, I'm actually openly praying for it.
1127 - This is great, I think the field leads the game in tackles.
1202 - Sadly, Erin did not hit the mud.
1249 - LSU is finally showing some signs of life, game leaves "Blame It On The Field" territory.
130 - Does LSU know when the clock hits 0:00 the game is over? How do they pull this off twice in one year?

Rose Bowl : Oregon - Ohio State (130pm)
138 - Battle of the Worst & Best uniforms, sadly I'm rooting for the worst.
139 - I'm not as upset as I could be. Oregon goes with their horrible green jersey with "carbon" numbers, but at least their helmet and pants (white) match.
139 - Blount is playing?! Have we forgotten the sucker punch incident so quickly?
157 - Unbelievably pretentious "Rose" intro, just what we all needed.
233 - I think we have an heir to Tebow's media love throne; Terrelle Pryor.
257 - Pryor is killing his media love, three bad decisions in a row.
329 - I'm shocked, this is turning out to be a really good game. Oh no, I may have just reverse jinxed it.
448 - Ok Kirk, we get it. Blount = power, James = speed.
502 - Kirk drops to his knees for Pryor, why am I not shocked?
508 - A little over 5 minutes to go and Oregon has blown it. Way to go Pac-10, we suck.
518 - Brent joins Kirk on his knees. Pryor has more yards than Oregon, he is just so amazing.

Sugar Bowl : Florida - Cincinnati (530pm)
500 - Game starts in 30 minutes, start the Tebow farewell tour!
521 - FOX divulges that Tebow admits disappointment in not playing for National Title, because that was a huge secret.
540 - President David Palmer is doing the coin flip! My hatred for sponsors is briefly subdued.
545 - I was afraid Florida would come out in their hideous Pro Combat uniforms, but they are going with the classic blue jersey and white pants. Cincy is wearing an all white uniform, including helmet, with a helmet stripe drawn on with a sharpie.
606 - HOLY SHIT! Why does FOX freeze frame a replay of Demps twisting the hell out of his arm?!
614 - Tebow's eyeblack; Ephesians 2:8-10. I'm sure we will see a feature on this at the half, and on live Tebow Cam (I'm not making that up, they really had it). Shouldn't he just jump straight to broadcasting instead of the NFL? Like FOX wouldn't hire him?
709 - Cincy looks like a dead program walking down 30-3 before the half and their coach leaving for Notre Dame.
753 - 1000th time they analyze Tebow's shitty throwing motion, but he is a great guy!
817 - Cincy is DOA. 43-10 with no signs of life.
918 - Big East takes a 51-24 gut punch, so much for the whole greatest upset ever thing.

January 2nd
International Bowl : USF - Northern Illinois (9am)
900 - I am really going to watch this game, no really. Stop laughing, I am. Seriously.
902 - Nothing quite like American college football in a Canadian baseball park. It should have a higher attendance than a Blue Jays game, right?
953 - Major downside of ESPN360; same four ads get shown 100,000 times.
959 - This game is amazing, how often do you get to see a Madden-esque 40 yard sack?
1104 - I am slowly boring to death here, as unbelievable as that sounds with a 6-3 score.
1114 - Yawn... hey a TD!
1124 - Oh, I get it. This game is just two shitty offenses fumbling around. I'm glad I got up to watch it.
1134 - Whoa, another TD. Looks like USF got their heads out of their asses first.

Cotton Bowl : Oklahoma State - Ole Miss (11am)
1105 - Two teams that completely collapsed under pre-season expectations, awesome.
1106 - YES! YES! Fuck YES! Daryl Johnston and Pat Summerall are calling this game, I think I just messed my pants.
1124 - AT&T must be a sponsor, the 15 yard wide giant orange AT&T ads on the field should be bigger. I almost missed them.
1200 - Jevan Snead just saw his life flash before his eyes, as if getting picked wasn't bad enough.
1209 - Ok, McCluster is fast. 86 yards in about two seconds.
1233 - So the game, field, and first down line are being brought to us by AT&T? Are they sponsoring this game or something?
1239 - Zac Robinson is trying the Tebow eyeblack look, too bad he isn't trying the lead-your-team-to-victory thing.
111 - So we have a bunch of INTs, fumbles, Snead getting his bell rung, a goal line stand at the 1 yard line, and now a FG off the post... this is going to be a long second half.
132 - This entry brought to you by AT&T.
139 - Really? Back-to-back reviews of the same play?
142 - John Travolta and Jonathan Rhys Meyers as terrorist stopping action heroes? Horrible.
144 - Yet another failed attempt from the 1. Awesome.
148 - The phrase "This is (insert player name)" needs to go away.
205 - Is this a joke? Ole Miss inside the 5, penalty, sack, sack? Can someone score?
206 - Anyone who took the over in this game is pissed.
231 - Penalty for "calling attention to oneself", followed by Moose praising the call.
239 - Holy hell, the 104th turnover.
246 - Fitting, a INT ends the game, its 12th total turnover.

Papajohns.com Bowl : Connecticut - South Carolina (11am)
1100 - Papajohns.com? Why not just Papa Johns? Are you going to tell me Papa John's website gets a bowl, but uber-wealthy Google doesn't have one yet? Maybe we will have a FreeCreditReport.com bowl and those guys from the ad will be the halftime show. Before you blow that off I'm sure people said the same thing about Beef 'O' Grady's and look where they are now, St. Petersburg.
1105 - I'm expecting UConn to win this, the death of Jasper Howard has been motivation for them all season.
1125 - I was about to dog this game but a CRAZY one-handed TD catch just changed my mind.
1218 - After all that excitement this game is trying to be more tepid than the International Bowl. At least both teams have a guy with Predator dreads.
140 - I can't tell if South Carolina sucks, or if they never showed up, maybe both.
602 - Just found out that Spurrier publicly apologized for sucking. I forgive you Steve.

Liberty Bowl : Arkansas - East Carolina (230pm)
241 - A turnover already? Not another Cotton Bowl...
311 - Cotton Bowl-itis is spreading; missed FG, sacks all over, semi-blocked punts.
350 - Arkansas needs to rethink their uniforms, nameplates for names longer than eight letters look like they were ironed on in the lockeroom before the game.
410 - I'm worried, of the four games played so far the losing teams have combined for a whopping 17 points.
420 - How the mighty have fallen, Eddie Money is lip-synching the halftime show.
439 - I was thinking, I haven't seen a TAINT since the Cotton Bowl, feels like forever.
544 - Cotton Bowl 2.0! FG off the post, maybe this game will go into an OT better than the Northwestern-Auburn game.
555 - I always wanted to see a game full of wasted opportunities and missed FG attempts.
557 - WTF?! An eCoin toss, I guess people just can't wait the extra two seconds to hear the result from the officials.
601 - Yet another missed FG!
606 - Finally, someone makes a FG. I thought this would never end.

Alamo Bowl : Texas Tech - Michigan State (6pm)
605 - Game hasn't even started and I'm already tired of the Mike Leach storyline. At least Texas Tech will score some points, right?
639 - Things are looking up. A pass heavy team vs. a horrible pass defense, and a running team vs. a team with almost no defense. We already have three TDs and over three quarters left to play.
641 - Holy shit! Let the Leach thing go, focus on the game.
734 - 1) I'm sick of missed and blocked FGs today. 2) The Red Raiders' gun fingers thing annoys the hell out of me.
743 - Yes, they are still harping about the Leach firing. They keep showing graphics with damning evidence that he was fired for a good reason, and then cut away to "I Love Leach" signs in the crowd.
820 - This game is getting good, I was afraid Tech would blow out the Spartans, but a TD just gave them a 21-20 lead.
858 - Some of Michigan States passes are making Texas Tech look like the lesser passing team, plus the Spartans are without 14 players including their best receivers.
1003 - Disappointing for Spartan fans, but Tech hits the gas and puts this one away with Taylor Potts on the sidelines.

Well that does it for the orgy. I think my liver is filing a restraining order, but it gets Sunday off before Monday's much anticipated We-Were-Scared-Of-A-Utah/Alabama-Debacle-Again Bowl most are calling the Fiesta Bowl. This is will finally decide the debate about which team that doesn't deserve to be in the National Title game can keep complaining that it should be.

FOX News Optimator : Federer Has Little Time Left To Be Hated

The tail end of 2009 has been interesting to say the least. Tiger Woods has managed to destroy his public image and send at least one sponsor (Accenture) running for the hills, and the sad thing is it could get worse if his name gets dropped in an investigation. I'm really hoping Tiger doesn't knock off Barry Bonds as the asterisk athlete of the century, but I'm sure Barry wouldn't mind having someone take his place.

I was watching late night TV and the 11 o'clock news opened with a story about Tiger, and being completely sick and tired of having him shoved in my face I was about to change the channel, and they showed a brief clip of an older Gillette ad. The ad featured Tiger Woods, Theirry Henry (later replaced by Derek Jeter), and Roger Federer... and that is when it hit me. Federer doesn't have much time left in 2009 to be hated!

You need more than a razor to lose the 'stache Theirry

First Henry donned the moustache and turned all of Ireland, and FIFA disciplinary board, against him. Not to be outdone, Tiger Woods' private life has exploded all over the tabloids to topple reigning gossip royalty Jon & Kate Goslin, and turn basically everyone against him. The fact Woods completely mishandled the fallout just made it worse, its almost as though he drew the moustache on himself. This leaves Federer in a tough position, how does he top them? Is this an inside bet between the three? Is it a Gillette conspiracy to drive razor sales?

I've been thinking about what he could do to top Tiger, and its nearly impossible with a little over two weeks left. My first idea was to hit a prominent political figure in the face with a statue, but someone beat him to it.* The bar is so high, even if it came out that he was juicing for every one of his titles I don't think it would get as much press as Woods' ill fated trip down his driveway. My next thought would be his admission that his family was rich with Nazi gold, but that would be too obvious... or so the Germans would have us believe. I think the solution is that Roger sneak into a White House event, take his picture with famous politicians, make a mockery of the Secret Service, and punch Obama in the face for stealing our freedom by trying to provide health care options. That should do it.

*If you are wondering what Silvio is doing in a Sports Optimator article, he headed AC Milan for over 18 years. Plus, he could probably tell Tiger a few things about sex scandals and being an upstanding citizen.

FOX News Optimator : Heisman Voters, What Are You Smoking?

I need to be upfront about something before I move on. As a fan I couldn't be happier that a Stanfurd player AND Colt McCoy didn't win the Heisman. As a rational human being, I am completely and utterly confused.

First of all, it was somewhat clear that Colt McCoy was out of the running for the Heisman after he wet the bed against Nebraska. McCoy and Texas were literally one second away from out-choking Nebraska in the Big 12 Championship, and Colt did little if nothing to lift his team to victory. All season the liberal east coast media has been stuffing McCoy down our throats along with Tim Tebow as the "obvious" Heisman favorite. Apparently feasting on one of the most overrated conferences in the NCAA, where nobody but Texas has anything resembling a defense, is the biggest factor int he Heisman vote. Luckily the east coast bias failed this year, and the talking heads didn't get their man... or so it seems.

The real injustice lies in the snub of the real obvious pick; Toby Gerhart. Gerhart lead all FBS teams in rushing (1736 yards) and TD's (26) with one less game than Ingram. To pour more salt on the wound, Gerhart won the Doak Walker Award for the best HB of 2009. This would make Gerhart an obvious pick over Mark Ingram, since Ingram is also a HB. How another HB could be better is beyond me, but I'm not a part of the liberal conspiracy holding down the west coast.

The next issue is VORP (Value Over Replacement Player), which is used in baseball but I'm going to use it in a non-statistical analysis. If Ingram were not at Alabama, would they still be 13-0 and playing for the National Title? Now consider Stanfurd, without Gerhart would the still be 8-4? Do they beat Oregon, USC, or an overrated Notre dame without their only offensive weapon? Do they even go 4-8? I think there is no doubt a Stanfurd team without Gerhart is a completely different squad, but the Heisman voters didn't seem to take this into consideration.

You know what, maybe it was this photo that swayed the voters.

The final problem, and deathblow to Gerhart's chances, is the conspiracy to televise Heisman "favorites" and relegate challengers to regional television. The media has fallen all over itself this season to make sure people get to see Tebow, McCoy, and Ingram as much as possible. Stanfurd is a smaller program, lacking tradition and class, so the media chose to ignore Gerhart accept for instances when they couldn't ignore his accomplishments. This is made obvious by how close the final vote was, as if Gerhart can go home feeling happy he was a loser by the smallest margin in history, and things might have turned out differently if they hadn't forced Alabama/Florida/Texas games on regions that are key to the vote.

I doubt 2010 will be much different, but with Kellen Moore, LaMichael James, and Jacquizz Rodgers out there maybe the west coast will have a chance next year. Sadly Mark Ingram is a sophmore, so much like Tim Tebow we will no doubt be treated to 1-2 more years of being beaten over the head by his "obvious" dominance.

Tiger Woods Joke of the Day

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?  Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.   

Tiger Woods' Driveway Accuracy: Poor At Best

The liberal media is at it again, and this week the target for character assassination is the beloved Tiger Woods. This is a classic case of the media making a huge deal out of nothing and raking Tiger Woods' reputation over the coals to drive up ratings and sales. So far the only thing we know for sure is that Woods backed out of his driveway at 230am (apparently a crime) hit a fire hydrant and crashed into a tree (also apparently a crime) and his wife smashed a window of his car with a golf club (the only funny thing about this story, seems like that would be a huge faux pas in that family) to help him out of the car. The whole incident seemed to flip quickly from concern to conspiracy once he was released from the hospital and his injuries weren't as serious as previously thought. The conspiracy is now in full swing as the Godless liberal tabloids (TMZ, etc.) are going out of their way to create speculation as to the cause of Tiger's errant trip down his driveway. Tiger Woods should be left alone. What he does in the semi-privacy of his own driveway is his business, and it should stay that way. The way the media has been executing their smear campaign you would think he showed up to a tournament with heroine needles hanging out of his arm and crack whores in tow.